Riddle me this, how does an innocent, perfect, 3yr old angel, smuggle a bottle of hand lotion into her crib, without parental knowledge? Hold your thought, there’s more! How then, does she have the presence of mind to form INTENT, and wait until her parents are settled (I was not asleep, but Merrill was, just saying), pull out said bottle of hand lotion, and commence to spreading it all over the crib, her body, her hair, her blankets, her pillows…..then say, “Mommy, I yucky”. Yes….yes she was.
Four years ago, as I lie on my back, I turned my head to HIM, sitting in the corner of the room, and with tears forming in the corner of my eyes I simply said to him, “It is what it is”, and indeed, it was what it was. The road to the bed, in that room, had been a long, painful, emotional journey, but we were done. Well, Merrill was done. I, for whatever reason, was hell bent on self-destruction, at all costs. He had put his foot down, he wasn’t going to watch me destroy myself anymore. You want to break a man, give him a woman he loves that he can’t fix. He thought he should be able to fix me, protect me..make me stop crying…but he couldn’t. He was helpless. We KNEW the consequence of FAILURE was going to be the mind numbing, soul crushing blow to my Spirit. “After this, we’re DONE, right?” he almost begged me….”Yes, Doll… we’re done”. We had to be, we were using our last two embroy’s. Only after I had admitted defeat, did he agree to the injections, the hormones, the mood swings….Yes, as I lie on that bed, in the infertility hospital, and looked at him, the realization of the final two embroy’s residing inside my body was too much for my mind and spirit to take in, and I wept… .
It’s so hard to go to baby showers, read birthing announcements, watch people cooing and ohhing over a little new born. We most certainly did not deny the new mommy her happiness, but infertility does something to a woman. It’s painful to watch the abortion debates, to walk in the infant section, to pass the baby food isle. You’re menses, while most certainly annoying, is most unwelcome, as month in and month out, it serves as a brutal reminder that, “NOPE” you’re not pregnant…AGAIN. Sex, becomes a chore….choregraphed, rehearsed, it’s no longer fun….it become LAW….and God forbid you miss the ovulation schedule….whew…Infertility is a special kind of hell….
IVF isn’t just about two people wanting a baby, it’s about the soul crushing process to be a mommy. Do you have any idea what a woman goes through just for the small chance of being a mommy? Those needles ain’t small, and those drugs ain’t kind…ask any husband whose watched his partner go from the sweet woman of his dreams to the hellish demon from his nightmares….it isn’t us, it’s the drugs…..Ugh. We were successful with Sweetness..1st time…which is funny because that’s misleading. It took us another SIX….SIX years to do it again with Duchess and in between, we suffered 4 failed attempts, each one more devastating than the last…I remember waking in the dark, after he had long gone to sleep, and crying, “I’m not pregnant, I’m not pregnant, I’m NOT pregnant”….crying out to the Lord, “Why!!!???”….the failure of the embroy to thrive is depressing…I don’t use that term lightly. The OB/Gyn who had given us Sweetness, had given us Duchess and cautioned that the chance of success with a Frozen Embroy, would be only 15%……Horrible odds, when you’re looking down the barrel of your last time….It was what it was.
So, as I turned on the light and gazed upon my beautiful little successful IVF Angel, I saw the thick white lotion coating everything unclothed on her body, and thought, Thank you Jesus….Thank you….I was blessed….15%, it was what it was. We wiped her off and now that she has baby smooth skin, we’ll shower her. “It is what it is”, and it was what it was…at all costs….. it almost WASN’T. What on earth would I write about if I didn’t have her….? Thank you Jesus….Be Blessed.
Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.