The following is a true conversation.
“Where you from?”
“Doesn’t matter, because in a few years, you’ll never want to leave. Here in California, we’re so open-minded and on a higher plane Spiritually, Mentally, and Socially than the Midwest and South. You’ll see, a few years here, and you won’t want to ever to leave. So where you from?”.
“The backward Midwest. And you, Darling, I just made famous”
So before leaving the backwater Midwest, I had a friend tease me…that I would come back to Danville a Californian. NO….not me, but after listening to the Nurse talk about the way, we backwater folk, are perceived on the left coast, it did get me to thinking what was so backwater about us….I mean, we talk good, just like California, we’re rude in traffic, just like California, we read, right, and know our rithmatic as much as anyone out here in the cross hairs of North Korea…..California Love…..Just what makes the Midwest and South so backwater? Well, I’m fixin’ to tell ya.
- We’re not stupid. One of the greatest mistakes you will EVER make about the Midwest and South, is to confuse our patience for your ridiculousness, with stupidity. We’re just trying to figure out if you need a doctor, or some heart blessin’.
- Our patience stops on the highway. All three regions have that in common, the difference is, we’ll follow you off the ramp you cut us off in traffic to make, and corner you in the Arco gas station you stopped at because you wanted to see how far south you could push your SUV needle…THEN show you what a good ole fashioned Monsters of the Midway Ass Whoopin feels like….No seriously, we’re THAT crazy.
- We don’t have fun the same way you do, fair enough, but honestly, I’ve been stoned. It’s fun, but I’d prefer a tail-gate party (in the ATL you get a night club to go with it-it’s awesome), outside a Bears/Saints game, with Beer, Brats, the pigskin and my friends. Then, go inside the majestic stadium, and watch two groups of men (insert NFL joke here) beat the hell out of each other, turn to the Bears fan behind me, and say, “OHHHHHHH did you see THAT? Your boy got schooled SON!“….followed up by sharing another beer and brat with the sore loser Bears fan….
- We not less enlightened, we’re honest. We’re okay with telling you your outfit makes you look fat, you stink, your children are monsters (we’ll even spank them for you), your husband is sticking it to someone else, your cat is gay, your mom is gay, your brother is gay, and to take your hat off in church. Cause here’s the thing Princess, we don’t mess around. We can’t. There’s a game on in 15 min.
- We are a simple people. We love our military, soldiers, God and fellow-man. Do not believe the press, we’re not out here stabbing each other in the throat, but step to our spouses or families, and you’ll find out that the dude from Saw ain’t got nothing on us.
- We do play favorites. You do right by us, and you’ll be our favorite.
- We are a family. Black, white, black/white, Indian…..we empower and embrace our communities. Sure, not everyone believes in God, but I’ll guarantee you that we’ll pray for anyone who asks. If that makes us less “enlightened” then…well….I’d rather be stupid, then not give what I have to help another human out. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give a brother is prayer.
- Purdue, Notre Dame, University of Illinois, Penn State….(insert your college here).
- Your deer will put a dent in our car. Our deer will KILL you. We eat better, because life is for the living. Tomorrow is not a promise, and we’ll wash down our better tasting food with a cold brew. Our barbecue’s will knock the smirk off your face. Keep your grass to feed your deer.
- We don’t put down other regions to make our region look good, bless your heart, unless of course we’re talking about the World Champ Cubs, Cardinals, Da Bears, Falcons…Wait! Who do you have again? WE don’t start the fights, but we’ll damned well finish them, and when we’re done kicking your “enlightened” ass across the Continental Divide, we’ll bandage you up, and offer you dinner, because out here….Sweetheart, we WORK hard, play harder, and are a forgiving folk….AND three years out here, isn’t going to change this Ozarkian bred girl. It can’t….I bleed Midwest.
California Love. It’s a paradox really, but in the end, we’re not stupid, we’re centered, and I promise you, if you ever need us, we’ll be there for you…..but only after we make you say, “Sorry”….cause we may be gracious, but hey….we have our faults too.
What makes the Midwest and South so great? I’ll let you chime in….and Rep your State. Be Blessed.