Tag: goals

Adult Education

This is pretty sexy
This is pretty sexy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Say it!

I’m totally head over heals in love with you, and I love being a father to our children

Proceed

Adult Education.

The dog, does not come off this throne easily. A long time ago, when his fat ass was just still a puppy, we’d put him in the bed with us, and let him whimper himself to sleep. Over the years, and because he wasn’t an incredible bed hog, we let him stay, so that now, the bottom half the bed is filled with the furry goodness we like to call Tuck. Truth is, when Merrill isn’t in town, and the kiddo’s are nestled up beside me, his fat, snoring self is quite assuring. He’s ten now, and so far into his nightly entitlements, that to try to gently shoo him from the foot of the bed, usually brings about great growling and gnashing of his big, dog fangs, but the one truth that’s remained steadfast in our history with Tuck, is that whether you come, stay, lay or pray, he doesn’t care what you do on the bed, as long as you leave his outwardly expanding space alone. Adult Education….the married life may not be romantic, but sexy is now a man you can call the father of your children, and soul mate.

I find hubby amazingly sexy. Is that wrong? I mean, for almost a quarter of a century, I have been with, lived with, ate with, and raised children with the very same man, who back when he was 19, adorably asked me if I wanted to thumb wrestle. I can honestly say, with a certain degree of certainly, that I loved him, the moment I saw him, but we’re now one-fourth of the way through the 100’s together, and I look into his deep blue eyes, and still feel that tingle that drew me to him oh so many years ago. Well, that or indigestion, but what’s sexy to me now, wasn’t sexy to me then. Now, if he’s rolling around the ground with the kids, or helping them with homework, a hormone, one of the precious few I have left, will start to tingle, and then, I’ll feel the desire to jump his bones….but if he hasn’t done any that stuff, or won’t put on a freaking bandana for me, his DANCE becomes a gamble of sorts. He can spin that Roulette Table, but I can’t guarantee him any winnings:

  • Touch on the lower back…NOPE, she jerked away….
  • Touch on the lower back…..she hasn’t moved…..maybe….
  • Moves fingers around more….still not rebutting advances….looking good
  • Moving in closer….not rebutting…BUT not moving….She’s asleep…Do NOT wake her UP!
  • Kiss on the neck…she’s moving, but not screaming….looking good.
  • Blowing HOT breath in her ear…..”NO!”….

I’m not some prude that goes to bed in curlers and a full-length, flannel gown. I mean I KNOW what I have…. the problem is that unlike our past glory days where our passion would take ANYWHERE/ANY TIME, we are parents now, with children whom possess acute c*ckblocking abilities, therefore, married passion, mandates that we either become creative James Bond type lovers, or we wait until after the little crumb snatchers go to bed, in which case, we’re so tired trying to outwit them, we sleep too. Adult Education is trying to navigate Nesquick with a 80lbs fat ass on the bed, moving and weaving between babies that had “bad dreams”, trying to keep your flesh awake (the Spirit is willing) so that you can spend some personal time rewarding your spouse for helping your son do his homework, not wanting to turn off Law and Order, a show you’ve seen a thousand times, because you’ve had a bad day too…When you were young and in love, any surface would do, but now that you’re older and you’ve transversed the world together, LIFE, mandates that you now be creative, instead of impulsive, and be honest….the preschooler will only watch so much Toy Story 3, before she goes looking for YOU!….Adult Education, it’s what they don’t teach you in relationship class that will kill your bond, if you let it….Find time to be with your partner, your equal, your soul-mate….even if…the dog (and now), the cat, has to watch. Achoo….Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE The Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

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Chaos

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I got you on this Dear. It’s going to be okay“…Merrill to a very stressed out Ronnie.

 

I have a headache this morning. It’s ridiculous, really. I’m only home today and tomorrow, today is our last day at church, then a quick birthday gathering for Sweetness, a visit to say goodbye to my charges in the LTC, then home to study, (or something)…then tomorrow, it starts all over again. The headache is okay, I guess. Mostly because I tolerate them fairly well, but it does prevent me from an early am run. As Merrill and I were sitting on the back porch last night, (my oasis), I became remarkably vulnerable and open…almost as if I had been drinking….”This” I said while non-drunkenly moving my arm in a wide, waving motion, “feels like I have no anchor. It’s all chaos…and I can’t deal with that. I’m shutting down“….After the comments about Nesquick relaxing me, hubby realized I wasn’t kidding….I was close to a breakdown…..He’s a man of great patience, and has a great love for me, so he looked at me with eyes that understood the traumas of days gone by, and did his best to kill the demons IN my mind.  Chaos.…I don’t do well when I’m vulnerable. Damn you!

I’ve got you on this Dear” he said as he realized that my frustration level was dangerously rising. Actually, I WAS fine, until we arrived home from The Lake, and I realized I had no place to put down my bags….I didn’t have a home to welcome me, and while the rest of the world believes that Home is where you hang your hat, I like to think of it as a place to unpack your bags, but I didn’t have a place to unpack my bags, I had a place to put down my bags among the boxed up crap that I’ve been collecting for the last two decades, AND there was no “my space” which is the space I clean out especially for me…. NO….on top of the unkemptness of the house, I also had to deal with the mental mind screw of my up and coming boards, then had to wonder why I ever even thought I could go on vacation….Duchess was being a tired ass, Sweetness was being clingy, and….and….we had to grocery shop…and as it collided in my brain, it must not have been a pretty sight….because he looked at me and understood the breakdown coming. This is why his attempt to calm me down didn’t work…..

Because it didn’t work with God either, and if it doesn’t work with God, it sure as hell won’t work with man. See, I was thinking about the song, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and about how almost every hymn written deals with either Praise (which is should), or troubled hearts and minds….I’m stuck between the proverbial rock and hard space. On the one hand, you have me, in need of comfort and assurance, then you have ME, and I don’t need sh*t from YOU. When Merrill, in his well-meaning fashion, told me, “I got this dear” what I heard was, “Don’t worry your pretty little head baby doll…a man is going to take care of this“…and Oh HELL NO. This is my one fatal personality flaw….in the midst of me loving and accepting the person I am, I’m also the person who cannot deal with mental chaos….I need strings to pull……I can’t have projects with several straggled strings….like I don’t know where to begin….but see, that’s always been my relationship with God, then Merrill….The NEED to have control….

My need for control, stems from the Chaos of times I can no longer do anything about. This isn’t a quirk, or a simple preference, this is a deep-seated NEED….a NEED to control what comes in and what goes out of my life. I will never be vulnerable, open, childlike again. I swear to Him, who tries to break me, that I will not be that little girl who has to go where others lead AGAIN…..NOPE! I must control….I cannot live in chaos….I cannot have a savior…..for I can do all things through ME….except that last night, as I looked toward the house that held boxes and boxes and boxes of Sh*t….I mentally broke down, and had no choice but to rely on him….Merrill….but neither God, nor Merrill takes pleasure in my brokenness….and I believe that. So as I try to live my very hectic day….as I try to compose myself in church, as I try to spend another hour NOT studying for boards, I fight the panic…the panic that precedes the Chaos….it is kinda funny right, because I hide my crazy better than most, don’t I?….Merrill agrees. Chaos….if I could just kill, defeat or at least control this one LARGE personality flaw, I’d be so perfect that even Jesus would be impressed…..I wish I wasn’t like this…..I wish I was normal…..I wish, and wish, and wish. Chaos...It’s what happens inside the places you can’t see, that you need to worry about….Merrill knows those places, and I’m so blessed he doesn’t judge me….He actually likes crazy; which works out for me….Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

 

 

 

 

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Maybe It’s Time

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“You know I got screwed in this right?”….Ronnie

Yeah, I know. I’m so sorry“…Merrill

So, things are not Even-Steven from Illinois to California. We received confirmation yesterday that my nursing license (when earned) will not, transfer equally to California, furthermore, before I begin any RN program, I must be employed as a nurse 6 months, FURTHERMORE, my Associates in Science degree does not transfer as an Associates in Science…but gets dissected to where only 39 credits transfer. After a very long, pleasant call with the Admissions Director of a local LVN to RN college, it was established that I’d have to “maybe” go back to The Kiddie Pool for more Pre-Reqs. Yeah, I’m not doing that.…I tried Sixteen different ways to make it an opportunity….I thought a Bachelor’s in Social Work, or Psychology, maybe even Biology would be cool….I wanted to move forward, not backward….but even in this setback, I see that there is work to done in other places……I just need to have faith, that I will be, where God needs me to be the most….Maybe it’s not about being a highly respected degree holder like Merrill. After all, he’s too smart for me to try to match….No……maybe it’s about being a highly feared Advocate…..Maybe It’s Time… I think I should use my Nefariousness for SOME good…..dontcha think?

I’ve learned that when you try to keep up with the Smith’s you end up looking like the Jones. My husband is a great man. Generous, caring, strict, analytical, demanding…..whereas, I am not….but I get to be whom I am, because he is, whom he is…Get it? The truth is, after giving this a great deal of thought, I think I’m going into law….and no, I’m kidding….but after Boards (fingers crossed) Monday (put that in your prayer calendar) I’m going to be going to California a Nurse, and it’s like I’ve told Merrill a dozen times, all I ever wanted to be, was a nurse….so I will be…but the more I think about it, the more I realize there’s so much I can do, not because I’ll be a Nurse, but because I’m Ronnie…..after all, what good is being me….if I can’t bring some joy to others?

And so, as he and I often do, baby boy and I had a conversation yesterday, about everything and nothing at all. He wanted to know about Leadership, and the traits of a successful leader. “Why don’t you tell me, what a leader looks like to you baby boy” I prodded, and with his usual discernment, he rambled off a list. “There’s Joy, Perseverance, and Strength” and as I went to bed last night, I thought about his responses, and how, if at all, I could apply them to my life….I decided, that the license I’ve worked my ass off for this last year, didn’t make ME….that is, the Nurse didn’t make me, I made the Nurse, and sometimes, through the haze of my desires, I lose track of exactly whom I AM, in this thing called #countesslife. Regardless of where I go, what I do, whom I date, where I work, I…..AM….Ronnie…..Nothing changes that. I am the cumulative effects of my experiences, and it may be time, that I use that “little cute nursing degree” to make me rich, or at the very least, do some good for others. Maybe It’s Time…I mean, I have to accept the things I cannot change….I have to change the things I can….I have to ask God for the wisdom to know the difference….Besides, being a Nurse, although nice..would not have made me famous. No….being Ronnie…The Countess is what will make me famous, and perhaps THAT is where I should focus. I gotta go…It’s hot, and I need to run. Ya know, as an afterthought, I think I know why RN’s are assholes……they put up with much, in the way of strife, to obtain what they have, and kuddo’s to them. I have so much. An amazing relationship with my husband, my beautiful, healthy kids, friends, family, new opportunities….why can’t I just be happy with all that? Because I’ve never settled, and you shouldn’t either. God always puts a backdoor on a house He builds, the trick is finding it! Remember THAT…as you go forth in your day. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday.

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Inspiration

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Lightbulb” Ronnie reading a news poll.

A local newspaper asked its readers to share who…Inspired them the most….Intrigued, and in need of fresh material, I put the question to my readers….I wanted to know who Inspired you to be who you are today…..you did not disappoint. Inspiration…you’d be surprised at what we have the power to do without ever even really trying. Inspiration doesn’t have to be positive. It just has to be compelling enough to force a change in your perception and persona. I’m a fairly sarcastic, mocking, take no crap kind of gal, and you wanna know who had a hand in that? Well, the answer to that might surprise you.

8. (Tied) The Three Boys who used to beat me up for my lunch money everyday. Without you three, terrorizing my life, I would have never learned that I had the ability to lose my temper and go bat crap crazy on a bully. The day I picked up a stick, and hit one of you in the head so hard I heard it crack and saw blood ozzing down your face, was the day I realized the great joy that fighting back brought me. I do not enjoy human suffering, but I do enjoy it, if in it’s initial intent, the suffering was meant for me. I’m crazy…and I owe it all to the three of you, Walter, Elroy and Leroy….Ft. Sill Oklahoma. Also, To The Prankster who put the sign on my back, “Ask Me About My Period” and humiliated me in front of my peers…thank you. Walking the halls that day, having to hold my head above water, I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and in that, there was no where to go but up….You dear prankster, actually enabled me to not take myself seriously….I was able to be silly, and stupid; which released all future chains that sought to bind me. I thank all those who tried to control me through fear and power….In the end, you gave me JUSTIFICATION…for all future acts. Thank you!

7. Glamour Magazine. Suffering from a vicious eating disorder during my formidable years, I understand a thing or two, about BMI, and the perception of being overweight. Punishing my body for no slight it created, I would starve myself to the point of dizziness, then eat…only to bring it back up, and start all over again the next day. An article titled, “The New Plus Size Model” opined about the new Plus Sized celebrities in Hollywood and the acceptance of their girth…a whole size 8! Without any protest from the feminist groups, sworn to the protection of all things female, Glamour magazine lowered the bar on the standards for the self-images of thousands of Little Sisters around the world. Through the careful crafting of the NEW Plus Size definition, Little Sisters can now engage in sanctioned unsafe eating behaviors, to starve off the dreaded “fat” label that was once associated with the double-digit jean size. Combine this with the statement that Hollister doesn’t carry anything above a size 6, and Glamour Magazine, with the full approval of the “Beautiful People” has single-handedly destroyed the self-worth of those most likely to engage in dangerous eating disorders….our beautiful teenaged princesses. Glamour has taught me that if we don’t set the standard of Role Models, no one else will, for Hollywood has embraced the size 8, as a full-figure measurement to stay below for the big ticket features our Little Sisters watch.

6. My grandmother worked long days at HD Lee, a blue jean manufacturing company, to support herself and 4 kids. She didn’t ask to raise her grandchildren, she just did it. She was a tough old bird, who’d get up  at 4am, leave for work at 6am, and not return home until long after 5pm. She was known as “granny” in those there parts, and she was verily respected in our small Ozarkian town, even garnering the affection of the local game hunters who’d fill her freezer with all the local, wild fare. As a digression, I do not care for wild game, but my sisters (whom still reside there) love it. She was the embodiment of a hard-working, post WW2 survivor. She taught me sticktoitiveness (stick to it ness), the compelling need to rise above all that would bind you, and TO BE anything you set your mind too. She was my heart…and her spirit lives on within me today.

5. My high school boyfriend was a total, complete jackass. Just a kid himself, he was trying to do what we were all trying to do in Germany, which was bide our time and survive, until we got back to “The World”. An 18yr old G.I….He was so cute, so smart, and so aware of his charm. “I have a girlfriend back home” he would say to all his short-term paramours, just in case, they got ideas that he would fall in love with them, and walk off into the sunset with them. He treated any girl stupid enough to fall head over heels in love with him, like trash…and not the Monday morning trash, but the kind of trash you’d take out after a night of hard-core partying. I was one of the stupid ones….In the aftermath of a destroyed Spirit, good men suffered because I learned how to be smarter, colder and more proactive than any of them could ever anticipate..I have apologizes of my own to make..I am so sorry. It would take another “dog”, (smile) years to undo all the damage he did….

4. My Publicist is one of the most amazing women alive today. She has nothing but my best interests at heart; which, let’s be honest, the more Nefarious I become, the harder it is to find that quality. She is…my TWIN in every sense possible and while there are things in my past that would make her cringe, I know she’ll never judge me. I mean, she’ll want too….but she won’t. We both believe in Mission, over Money. If all we ever do is reach just one Little Brother or Sister, then one Little Brother or Sister is all we’ll ever reach, and we’re okay with that. I admire her quest to rid the world of bullies, because it’s my quest too….and if anyone could do it, it’d be her, but most likely US…together. She’s the one to watch….the one of the one to emulate….the one to KNOW….Seek her out now, before I’m discovered, because after then…it will be…too late.

3. Carl and Diane Lowe. Two salts covering the same earth, they picked us up for church every Sunday morning in those conversion vans well defined by the 80’s. Plush and pimp, we’d love riding in them every week because for a moment in time, we felt successful. On special occasions, like Easter, Christmas and Church camp, they would take us out and buy us clothes. Every year, camp was paid for by them, and every year, summer clothing was provided by them. Their generosity inspired me to be financially generous with others….We pay for church camp and if there’s something a child needs, we try to provide it. Money was meant to bless, but I wouldn’t understand that if it weren’t for the Lowe’s.

2. My 5th Degree Mentor, is married to my Publicist, and is a man with the ability to do great bodily harm upon your person, yet even with all that ability, he won’t. He goes around spouting riddles, and making people think about stuff before they do stuff. Drives me NUTS. Whereas I am very direct and loud, he is very direct and soft. If I held the power to snap your neck the way he does (and trust me, I’m trying to get him to teach that to me), I’d regulate in this city all day ya’ll…all day. I’m guessing that it’s his experiences, not unlike mine, that’s shaped his character. We’ve chosen different paths to enlightenment, but it gives me a great deal of pleasure to match wits with him, because it’s just so darn cute the way he thinks there’s a chance to change me….LOL….But someday, I might be on the verge of punching someone in the face, then remember his “open door” analogy, and think twice about assaulting my victim.
1. My husband is a smart, sexy Muthur. He’s built like a brick sh*t house…The perfect package, of looks, personality and brains, he’s the kind of guy you think twice about bringing home, because you’re afraid your mother will try to take him. He is…all things to me, and while I made a vow to never fight over a guy again, if you mess with him, I will END you….5th degree mentor be damned, I’ll make you famous, and not in the good way. He’s not perfect, he does say things that are stupid (i.e. “We’re only together due to my ability to tolerate you“), but he evens it out with Nesquick. He gave me two amazing spawns…ahem…babies….He is my heart, mind, body and soul and he inspires me every day. Not always the good inspirations, but certainly, the interesting inspirations. He saw my crazy and matched it with his sanity; which…drives me crazier. He is…the only man…who’s ever been able to hold on the entire 8 seconds…I think there’s Godly about that.

Some Thoughts From You:

Courtney Philips– ” My mom showed me how I don’t need a man to be a queen. growing up, watching her work to put food on the table, all that jazz, and still have time to make us feel loved and valued really taught me to have a good work ethic and to always be able to take care of yourself”.

Amy McQuown– ” So what I can give you is my love for Jesus is because of them (Grandma Teedy, Grandpa Dick). I’m far from perfect. And I’ve made more mistakes than I want to admit, but my knowledge of Jesus, and his love for me no matter my mistakes came from them. Church every Sunday, with them. Until I was 17 years old and driving my self. My Grandma is the rock of our family. And I can only hope to be half the grandma to my babies that she has been to all of us” Editor’s Note: I’m related by marriage…Her grandma, is my husband’s grandma….and I totally agree.

Lori Faquhar– “My husband is my Number One inspiration……he tells me daily how talented and compassionate I am to do what I do, and he always builds me up, encouraging me to reach my full potential and be all I can be”….

Ashley Edington– “My grandfather, hands down. My entire life, that man has shown me was a work ethic is. He worked at the power plant and was a farmer at the same time, and eventually retired from the power plant, and still continues to farm. I have seen him work my entire life, and never complain about it. Even when he was working awful shifts, or extra shifts, or shifts he wasn’t supposed to work but had to because he was picking up the slack for someone else. He has worked hard to provide for his family. I have learned many life lessons from his example and I will never be able to thank him enough for that”.

Becky Albin– “My Step Mom is the most saintly person I know. She used to always have dishes to wash when I would get home from school so she would be there when I walked in the front door to hear all about my day. Now, several years later, I ask myself, “where did all these “dirty” dishes come from?” She just listened-never gave advice. She and my Dad have always been there to help in any way they can”.

 

The good, the bad and the uglies of life can all be attributed to our Inspiration. I’ve seen great feats of strength, and great agonies of defeat due to Inspiration. Great leaders aren’t born, created, nor groomed, they are raised out of the ashes of having their asses handed to them, but while down, on the ground, something…has to inspire them to get up. Perhaps if we rose up leaders among ourselves….Praised our women, Valued our men…Encouraged our children…..we could change the current events in this country. Look at me…then ask yourself if you really have influence over a child, why you’re not using it. Inspiration….You have not…because you asked not…but get with me. I’ll teach you everything I know. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

 

 

 

 

 

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Some Things Have To Change

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“I do”…..February 11, 1995

This is indeed, a Don’t Judge Me column“….Ronnie….

We tried really hard to make our wedding anniversary the same date as our meet and greet (oh yeah) anniversary, but Valentine’s Day was on a Tuesday in 1995…so, we had to choose the Saturday, if we wanted the family to come. I suppose we did. Now, what people don’t tell you about a romantic February wedding is:

  1. There aren’t that many Valentine’s weddings because it’s COLD.
  2. If you chose a February wedding day, in Illinois, it will be COLD, and you will REGRET your decisions.
  3. TWO gifts. We still get TWO GIFTS. You don’t get to buy just one, just because both days fall almost together.

In fact, it was -30 degrees the day Merrill made an honest woman out of me….”Well yeah” he said, “hell froze over” and indeed it had, taking Illinois with it….standing in front of the church, in a dress 1 size too big, I almost panicked, except I really couldn’t face a life without him….but then again, I had no idea what I was doing. My first husband and I took our vows in my Grandmother’s front yard with her standing a mere foot from me. She was so proud….a saintly couple, from my childhood, had paid $25 for the preacher, and had given me away, since my family was still in Europe. The only thing I was missing was the pregnant belly, a beer, and a Budweiser hat. The Ozarkian Bride….I was, for all Intensive Purposes (I know) what I mock today….”Some Things Have To Change“….not only did Merrill whisper it to me as he lifted the veil from my face, but it’s also what needs to happen IF you want true happiness in your life.

When your temporarily sans a mentor, you have to guess at everything. I had known I destined for greatness, but every choice was leading me to bondage, and not the good kind. Committing mistake after mistake….Merrill and I had to earn six the hard way, but we did it together. From borrowing $40 measly dollars to take Princess to the clinic to intentionally writing a bad check so I could go see Cheap Trick, we made…EVERY mistake a couple can make! See, the poor little Florida boy I married the first time, didn’t have what it took, to compliment my crazy. There was no way we were going to last…there just wasn’t. I made the mistake of youth…and little did I know that you owe no man, anything….but here I was married, naive, stupid and 19….and disgustingly unhappy. He was a good man, an Army boy at Benning, but there was no way I was remotely ready for the life the Military required….and even if I was…I didn’t truly love him, and that’s the kicker here….this man could never stand and face the gates of hell with me, because he couldn’t even handle me…….

And so, the Army shipped out my Florida boy to Egypt for a year…..They did us a favor….as  I had checked out on him long before then. By the time he took the Mac flight to the Red Sea, I had already set up an abode in Savannah, got a job serving drinks in a strip club, making my own decisions, but living with my own consequences. I had a daughter to support, and trust that I will never judge a girl for her JOB….if she’s out there hustling it to support a family, then you can step through me to judge her…..I did digress. Some Things Have To Change, and On Valentines Day, 1993….they did.  See, Yea though I walk through the valley of sin, my God didn’t abandon me. I had made every relationship mistake to get to him….I’m pretty sure he made a few to get to me. Without that little Florida boy, I’d have never met Merrill….but I hear he’s happy too; which is more than I can say for Merrill….Some Things Have To Change….You can’t judge me, because it worked out for me……Maybe it can work out for you too. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

 

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Roadblocks

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My Personal Raid

 

I listen to 70’s disco“…Ronnie sharing her Running Play List.

 

It’s no secret that I’m terrified of spiders. I have FB friends that take great joy in posting and pasting each and every spider meme on the web, to my page, in the hopes of getting a reaction out of me. Some do, some don’t, but ultimately, they’re just trying to help me…I think…but I doubt it…they just like to watch me squirm, and I did digress. Spiders are my mental roadblock. A barrier so affixed in my brain, that it’s become a part of my persona, and to remove it, would be lobotomy that would turn me into a Stepford Wife so fast, Nicole Kidman would be impressed. I know my roadblock exists, I’m okay with it. I’ve grown accustomed to it…C’est Moi….and it’s not dangerous. I suppose, if I were to apply for a position with a pest control company, my fear of spiders would indeed preclude me from my goals….but as I am, whom I am….I have other Roadblocks that need to be dealt with….Roadblocks….mi mind, et tu mind.

Some people cannot get up and speak in public….I can. Some people cannot pick up snakes….I can….Some cannot write for others to judge….Sigh…I can. The thing about our roadblocks, is if we break them down, into their smallest parts, they are..no longer….insurmountable, but alas, we’re not willing to do that….and I get why. Twice in my life, TWICE, I’ve had to face spiders….face to face, toe to toe…I’ve been forced to fight those bastards….and I’ve won….Given the choice, however, I’ll run all day ya’ll all day, because, in my mind, they’ve been given Godzilla like proportions……they’re a god….but I’ve also face God before….

Childhood trauma’s (which is where the spider fear comes from) are difficult to defeat because when faced….we become that baby again…Funny how we’ve overcome so many other barriers in our life, but let it be from our childhood, and we’re that toddler…begging for mommy…….it frustrates me that I’m scared of spiders……It frustrates me that I’m insecure…..It frustrates me that when someone questions my judgment, I become an asshole and always starts a fight…..my Roadblocks FRUSTRATE me, because I look and act just like Duchess struggling for Independence….when they step to me…..But guess what? We are not that baby ya’ll…..we’re not. We are grown, experienced, problem solving adults…..and those roadblocks? Yes well, they’re just wooden barriers meant to be driven through. They’re just wood….your WILL can do all things….PERIOD….Your WILL…..CAN DO…..ALL THINGS, and I can end this MUG right here, because that’s all you need to know. SO, I HAVE PROVEN….that when pushed….I’m a FORCE to be dealt with……pack a lunch Boo…I’ll go all day…sigh….unless you’re a spider….I can do all things, except kill a spider, through Christ, and Paul better not judge me….He didn’t have the wolfies we have….UGH. Baby steps. Gotta go….See the roadblock, step to the roadblock, drive through that mug….it’s like bringing a knife…to a gun fight….and you, are the gun! Okay, the sun is beautiful this morning…..I don’t want to run…UGH. Let me drive through this roadblock. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.

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Stay Hungry

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Hey, I’m leaving to go running. See ya later! “….Ronnie to Merrill….

Merrill was sleeping this morning as I was standing naked over him. If I had had nefarious intents, it would have been too easy…but I was just changing into my “Under Armor” (hollar) clothing to run…besides, he had his back to me, and being a woman of sport, I didn’t want barrel fish…Truth is if/when Merrill and I argue, I like the fight to be fair. I’m not a sucker puncher…..and I did digress. See, the thing about Merrill is that he rolled over, saw my naked ass booty in all its glory, then went back to sleep….He’s not hungry……his tank must be full…Hmmmm, I’ll remember that later….Stay Hungry….it’s the only way you’ll ever get what you want…..NEVER let your tank get full.

Part of my charm, aside from the potty mouth, and vile treatment of Merrill, is that you all recognize my hunger….I am HUNGRY. It’s that desire to be a better person, that draws you next to me….. Whether I’m beating the crap out of my class, pushing my own body to its extreme limits, or simply thinking of new ways to get over the Facebook blockout, you guys know that I desire to be more than what I currently am…Get it?  It’s not my fault…For God’s SAKES, I’m running on a Saturday morning….I would love to still be in bed like Merrill, but we have an agreement…I let him sleep in with Duchess, a TOT whose turning out to be more like me than I’m comfortable admitting, and I get to nap at noon….Mmm, love my power naps…..but I do like what running EARNS me…and while I’d love to just drown my sorrows in diet pills….that would not be very Role Model worthy, and I could end up hurting myself. No, it’s a lot like saving my money to buy that Chanel bag. I’m going to appreciate it more, than if I find it at a Yard Sale for a dollar; which BTW, if you’re selling a Chanel at your sale for a dollar, I’m very interested……just saying…..What I’m trying to say, my friends, is this…

Stay Hungry….never, EVER have enough….never, EVER be satisfied with what you have….always look for the opportunities to improve yourself…always look for ways to be a service to another. I have at least 3 friends reading this that WANT to run, but don’t know how to start…..They want to be Nefarious, but don’t know how to get the evil ball rolling…I’m here to tell you…you gotta experiment, try, fail, try again….. pick the brains of those who have the means to help you….You want fame, Nefariousness, career, enlightenment? Earn it….work it…..Run it….then when you think you’ve had enough…go back for seconds….. See, half the problem with society, is we’re getting too many Garage Sale Chanel’s….I don’t judge…I have a pair of Gucci’s from the Goodwill….but one day, I’ll get that Hermes….and it will be brand, spanking new….it’ll look good…with my amazing body….Feel me?  I gotta go….I want to be Nefarious….I gotta earn it….this…is where it starts….You want what I have? Then do what I do….Let’s Roll. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE The Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.

 

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A True Friend

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Loving, worthy, loyal

God Fearing

Always has your back, willing to listen, always tells the truth

Responses to last nights Facebook question, what is “A True Friend”

 

I will die knowing that there are those who loved me very much. I’ve been supported, encouraged, heeded and frankly, I’ve had honestly given, even when I didn’t ask for it…When I posed the question, “What makes A True Friend?” I already had an idea for my column in mind….I was testing you….drawing you in….because A True Friend does much. It’s ironic the way we’ve convinced ourselves that no one will understand….When my demon first appeared, she chided me by saying, “You’ll look stupid”  but of course stupid…isn’t so bad….it’s the perception of weakness that stops me dead in my tracks….I’m a Role Model….but I’m not….I’m just as human as you, and yet, I believe the hype that I….I cannot be weak….what I don’t realize is that you all already see me as weak…..A True Friend……let what God joined together, no demon tear asunder.

It started out innocently enough. Don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about….you do it too…it’s just that your triggers are different. You see something, something is said, you read a column (mine?)….and the seed is planted……For me, it was a bariatric woman in walking in Wal-Mart one afternoon. She had no idea I saw her as she walked wearing her camisole two sizes too small, with her stomach and her naval exposed….Yes, I have body issues, but I’m mostly successful at controlling them…but when caught off guard, my issue grows and spreads like fire…Jesus had this one right…stay vigilant, diligent and aware. So, a week later, as I was engaged in errands, my camisole had creeped above my navel and my stomach leaked out over my pants….I stopped dead in my tracks….. it reminded me of the woman in Wal-Mart……

I couldn’t stand the self-hatred anymore….and all of it came bleeding out…as I told Merrill everything I had been going through….the body is like a pet…it only wants to please you, but I’m abusive to it….I just could not get the image out of my mind, the hatred….the helplessness…..the overwhelming self loathing I had allowed to build up, and didn’t tell anyone about because I didn’t want to look weak….and crazy. So, I told him….I’m getting older, gaining weight, I don’t look pretty, I don’t feel pretty…etc…etc…etc. Ya know, I’d like to tell you that my insecurities dissipated immediately, but that’s not true…they didn’t. This isn’t some ABC After School Special, but the relief comes from the SHARING of the fear, because that’s accountability…and that’s how we fight the demon’s in this house. A True Friend does not pretend to know anything about what you’ve been or are going through…..They don’t front, they don’t assure, they don’t make empty promises…..NO…. A True Friend, takes you by the hand, faces the demon WITH you say’s, “LEAVE HER ALONE, or you’ll fight ME”….Ya know, Merrill doesn’t even pretend to understand my crazy….he just looks at me, with those sexy blue eyes I adore and say’s, “Well, we have some monsters to kill“…..LOL, my mind is a dangerous place….I guess that’s what makes me the Anti-Role Model…..I almost feel bad for him, but then I realize that God put us together and Merrill likes Crazy, so WINNING. I’ll be okay, because the secret battle in my mind is now public….and public….is good! That’s the secret to life….publicity. Hmm, learn something new everyday. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.

 

 

 

 

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Building An Empire

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Mom, can I borrow some money? I have to take Princess to the doctor“. Ronnie, about a 100 years ago.

 

While some of you are at Church right now, or who knows..sleeping…..I am waiting in a DC hotel, watching some Disney Channel special about a girl a dog and a weird cat. Duchess say’s it’s called, “Weird Cat Girl” but I don’t think that’s right. We’re waiting on Merrill to get out of his driver’s meeting, but I can’t be too upset about it, because after all, that’s why we’re here. Something about this morning took me back to a place and time when Merrill and I could only dream about these vacations, and I’m struck, maybe even blessed to admit that we’ve come a long way baby. Building An Empire...it’s a long climb to the top ladies, but once there the view is fabulous.

Little Sisters, there is nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself. Actually, I encourage you to go out, get your hands dirty, and create something out of nothing. Look at me…do you think I’m dependent on anyone? I’m not, but let me tell you, everything is much sweeter…the success, the accolades, the victories, the SEX…when you have an equal to share it with. I remember not having a dime to our names, but through his working, and my nagging, we climbed…and climbed….and climbed. We made mistakes, we said some things (sorry about that mom joke dude), we got mad at each other, but really….like Elton John, we’re still standing. I saw something in him, when we first met….a little boy arrogant charm that didn’t quite convince me he was going to be the Sugar Daddy material I sought, but as time continued, my attitudes changed, my perceptions that not all men were assholes changed…sorta…they sorta changed, and we grew together…and the two…one day…became on flesh, then we moved on up, and life became GOOD. Okay, not really….but there was something in him…that I wanted to be a part of…..

Many women (not all) want a man to be set in his career goals, before they’ll ever talk to him….but that’s a risky road. I had friend tell me that she didn’t even take her shoes off for a man, for less than $60,000 and I thought, “Now that’s a plan“…but….but…what if, his success could also be your success? What if his goals, were your goals? What if your goals…were his priorities? Ahh…now we have a partnership…..a fortified relationship that say’s if he trades in your 40’s for two 20’s…well…then you have something to fall back on, because it’s one-half… YOURS. Do I look like I KNOW MY PLACE? I do…I know my place well, and for the last almost 25 years, my place has been right beside him, to guide him, to share in everything that came his…AND…..(not THEN)….my way. Building An Empire requires an equal understanding of where you both are together, and where you want to be in the future…then…make a plan. No, you are not going to make him talk about his feelings, cuddle you afterwards, or even (GASP) stop him from looking at other booties, but ladies, when you build something together….and it has the Seal of God (Come on, it’s Sunday and I’m a Christian)….there is nothing that can bring it down…save your own egos. So, what do you want? You want to wait for a man with $60,000 to come along and sweep you off your feet….or….do you want a man who knows that YOU are worth more…than his ego, and income? LOL, I’ll take the latter over the former, because half that Empire came from my supply. We may not always like each other, he may be more famous than I, but I have something you don’t…his kids and half his mess, but even more importantly, I have his HEART, MIND, BODY AND SOUL…..and he has mine…..together we are MVP….The Power Couple you created…..build an Empire that Satan cannot destroy, and like the big, bad wolf…he’ll have to go away…empty handed. Now, excuse me…we’re going to Arlington….as soon as….he’s done. Sigh. I didn’t say it was easy. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

 

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I Gotta Shower Soon

Still Great at 46
I wanted a shower

“You’re pissed off because of a shower?” Merrill

Yes I am. It’s the little things that bring out the bigger feelings…..You Hip? It’s not braggart, but pride that compels me to share with you something said to MOI, by a Petite Soeur a few months ago. “You’re so open, honest….and raw”….”Raw”…Raw…..Unprocessed? I stink? Without process (lol)? Before preparations? Maybe all of the above. I wrote a little bed time ditty on FB last night, and while I do have a semi-time private life, I write from a place of reality, real feelings, real thoughts, real actions….I write from a place of Rawness, because if you don’t see my struggles, how can you appreciate my successes? You can’t….because if all I show you is Pink and Blue Unicorns, you’ll never know the true sacrifices of my path, and you won’t follow me…….No, it isn’t your business, but I Gotta Shower Soon, and that’s part of what started this rant….last night. Do not take advantage of those whom love you very, very much.

I’m disappointed, that is by far, worse than being pissed. In any relationship there’s going to be some give and take…but when YOU give and you TAKE…you’re gonna leave your partner resentful, and when the ROOT of Bitterness creeps in, the only thing you can do is pray….Truth is, you can look at someone, and envy all their achievements, but it’s a trap. You have no idea what that person had to go through for the small semblance of success they achieved, AND honestly you have no idea what someone else had to go through for that person to be successful. Come on, be honest, ALMOST 100 times out of 100 times, you’ll see a man doing very well, but you’ll also see a bitter ex-wife in the back ground….she may have a large settlement, but I’ll guarantee you that at one time, she didn’t want the settlement, she wanted her husband. Any modicum of victory we experience in our lives, comes with a price. Could be pride, desires, time, or money, but it should never, EVER be your family….for it all falls apart without them….

So yes, all this is about a FREAKING shower…..Realizing last night that I couldn’t shower with Duchess up and at em in the living room, I suddenly became aware of what my life had become, and I got pissed off. Relax….I have a good life, but there are some tweakings that need to be done….I’m not divorcing Merrill…yet. For all my friends whom are lovers, writers, actors, Engineer’s….whatever….realize that behind your victory….stands another champ….whom we don’t talk about enough. Don’t Judge Me….About that bitter ex….my guess is all that person wanted…was the one thing…the Victor couldn’t give him/her…and that’s too bad. Relationships are about balance…give and take….success is simply a result of a balanced relationship…..Feel me?  I may not be famous, but I’m known enough to know that to be HERE…means some nefarious mess and sacrifices had to go down, and before any of you JUMP me….Merrill is well compensated for any sacrifice he feels he’s made…..You do nothing alone in this world and anyone whom says different, come see me, I have a Chanel I’ll give you for a $1. Now turn to your left and right, and say, “Thank you”…because that person CHOSE to sacrifice for your victory, and you owe them….At least bring your ass home so they can freakin shower…..I’m DONE…I mean it. Okay, Kiddo’s are almost up….I Gotta Shower Soon….and I do stink….I didn’t sign up for THAT. Be Blessed.

Remember you set The Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Thursday.

 

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