Tag: Marriage

Happy Birthday Sanchez

My A-Team
My A-Team

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday Sanchez. No other woman will ever love you like I do….

 

Aunt Ronnie, will you tell us a story about our mom when she was young?

Sure boys. Come, gather….”

Your mother was a beautiful woman, quite but dangerous. Behind those lovely brown eyes, stood stories full of heartbreak and joy, but she had to feel comfortable with you, before she’d share her treasured wisdom. Unfortunately, your mom and I did not get off to a good start. She was new in class, and asked if anyone had a pencil. Not realizing that she was entirely serious, I may have made some smart ass remark that earned a target on my back, but the Ronnie back then, was not the Ronnie you know today, so I didn’t take her very seriously….okay that’s the same me…..but I didn’t really worry about her ire, for you see, I don’t know her. Several weeks later, when your mom won a dancing contest in a local club, I approached her and congratulated her on her win….”Yeah, whatever bitch” was all she could say to me. Hmm, that steptoitness, is what earned her my respect, a fact I am SURE she didn’t give a single DAMN about. Happy Birthday Sanchez….did I ever tell you about the time your mom taught me, a little white girl, how to dance, and saved our farm?

So as all good stories need a bond of friendship, your mom did eventually warm up to me. I confided in her one day, that I didn’t want to “Shake it like a white girl” (a dance made popular in the 80’s with the advent of ‘It Takes Two”), that I wanted to learn how to dance, so I could win some money to feed my hungry family, and pay the rent. She took pity on me, and why wouldn’t she? She was a good person, so she created a schedule, bought some studio time, and painstakingly taught me the “Cabbage Patch“. She knew, that if I was going to win that contest, I’d have to keep it simple, for my dance moves, were indeed “seizureish” at best. Every day, we were in the studio facing the mirror, sweating to the 80’s, and everyday, I was becoming more and more frustrated, because I just couldn’t get it.

About that same time, a man had visited the family, and said he’d pay our bills, if I’d marry him. He was a fat man, sweaty, bald with a round belly that reminded me of Ed Lover and Dr. Dre. He’d lick his lips as he looked at me, with sin in his eyes…I told him, I was trying to win a contest to pay the rent, but he laughed. I was a white girl, I wasn’t going to win any dances he told me, but I’d make a fine wife, good birthing hips to have his fat, ugly babies. One day, Sanchez bumped into him, and he offered her more money if she could make me lose the contest, but Sanchez wouldn’t hear of it. She hated him…later in the studio, she told me, “You’re gonna win that contest Ronnie. If I have to kill you….you’re going to win it”….and so she had me practice more….she’d stand behind me, making my hips move, to the swaying of my arms, and if I cried, she’d slap me hard….”Damnit Ronnie. You want to be a fat man’s WIFE?” I DIDN’T….so I worked harder than I’ve ever worked in my life….

The day of the contest arrived. I didn’t feel ready, but I had to try. After all she’d done for me, I had to give it my all, to at least show her what she meant to me. Right before the contest, she gave me a Milli Vanilli CD, and told me I had earned it….and to dance like no one was watching, but someone was watching, and as I made my way to the floor, he jumped out from the dark, and grabbed Sanchez from behind and said to me, “If you ever want to see her alive again, you’ll lose that contest little girl. You know what I mean?“….I did. I had two choices….Win that contest so we could pay the rent, or throw it, and be Bubba’s wife….As she sat in the bleachers, she watched me walk out onto the floor, and with great courage, she stood up and said, “Give him HELL Ron. I got this” and with that, she Judo chopped the man in the face, then when he bent over, she slammed his head into the chairs in front of her. Being Germany, and a club, all the GI’s in attendance sensing a fight, stood up, and started throwing fisticuffs at anyone around them….Sanchez ran down the bleachers….and as the music started, she stood right in front of me, as “Lean on Me” by Club Neveau played over the speakers…and she started to dance….coaching me…as I stood transfixed on her….Slowly, I brought my hands up and made a fist in front of me, I then began to rotate them, as I swayed my hips to, “Some…times in your life, we all have pain….we all have sorrow, but if you are strong, you’ll know that there’s always tomorrow”, then as the LEAN ON ME part began, I GOT it….I got it and I danced my ass off like no one you’ve ever seen…and I WON that contest….

Later, as I collected the money, the police arrived to find that Bubba was really an Ex-boyfriend of your moms. He was trying to make her jealous….He was never going to marry me, he said. He just wanted her to see him with another woman, and make her want him, and as he was walked out the door, we could hear him say, “I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn’t been for her Judo Chop“. So you see boys, you mom saved me….she helped me win the contest that paid my rent, and saved my farm…..She gave me a new life, with new freedoms, and I’ll forever be grateful to her. Now, run along. Aunt Ronnie’s beer is getting cold. Good night boys. Next year, I’ll tell you the story of the time your mom saved the Queen….Happy Birthday to my very best friend, of 30yrs. I love you Boo. Thanks for saving my life…you mean the world to me. Happy Birthday Sanchez.…may 39 be better around this time, than it has been the last 9 years. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

 

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Chaos

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I got you on this Dear. It’s going to be okay“…Merrill to a very stressed out Ronnie.

 

I have a headache this morning. It’s ridiculous, really. I’m only home today and tomorrow, today is our last day at church, then a quick birthday gathering for Sweetness, a visit to say goodbye to my charges in the LTC, then home to study, (or something)…then tomorrow, it starts all over again. The headache is okay, I guess. Mostly because I tolerate them fairly well, but it does prevent me from an early am run. As Merrill and I were sitting on the back porch last night, (my oasis), I became remarkably vulnerable and open…almost as if I had been drinking….”This” I said while non-drunkenly moving my arm in a wide, waving motion, “feels like I have no anchor. It’s all chaos…and I can’t deal with that. I’m shutting down“….After the comments about Nesquick relaxing me, hubby realized I wasn’t kidding….I was close to a breakdown…..He’s a man of great patience, and has a great love for me, so he looked at me with eyes that understood the traumas of days gone by, and did his best to kill the demons IN my mind.  Chaos.…I don’t do well when I’m vulnerable. Damn you!

I’ve got you on this Dear” he said as he realized that my frustration level was dangerously rising. Actually, I WAS fine, until we arrived home from The Lake, and I realized I had no place to put down my bags….I didn’t have a home to welcome me, and while the rest of the world believes that Home is where you hang your hat, I like to think of it as a place to unpack your bags, but I didn’t have a place to unpack my bags, I had a place to put down my bags among the boxed up crap that I’ve been collecting for the last two decades, AND there was no “my space” which is the space I clean out especially for me…. NO….on top of the unkemptness of the house, I also had to deal with the mental mind screw of my up and coming boards, then had to wonder why I ever even thought I could go on vacation….Duchess was being a tired ass, Sweetness was being clingy, and….and….we had to grocery shop…and as it collided in my brain, it must not have been a pretty sight….because he looked at me and understood the breakdown coming. This is why his attempt to calm me down didn’t work…..

Because it didn’t work with God either, and if it doesn’t work with God, it sure as hell won’t work with man. See, I was thinking about the song, “Bridge Over Troubled Waters” and about how almost every hymn written deals with either Praise (which is should), or troubled hearts and minds….I’m stuck between the proverbial rock and hard space. On the one hand, you have me, in need of comfort and assurance, then you have ME, and I don’t need sh*t from YOU. When Merrill, in his well-meaning fashion, told me, “I got this dear” what I heard was, “Don’t worry your pretty little head baby doll…a man is going to take care of this“…and Oh HELL NO. This is my one fatal personality flaw….in the midst of me loving and accepting the person I am, I’m also the person who cannot deal with mental chaos….I need strings to pull……I can’t have projects with several straggled strings….like I don’t know where to begin….but see, that’s always been my relationship with God, then Merrill….The NEED to have control….

My need for control, stems from the Chaos of times I can no longer do anything about. This isn’t a quirk, or a simple preference, this is a deep-seated NEED….a NEED to control what comes in and what goes out of my life. I will never be vulnerable, open, childlike again. I swear to Him, who tries to break me, that I will not be that little girl who has to go where others lead AGAIN…..NOPE! I must control….I cannot live in chaos….I cannot have a savior…..for I can do all things through ME….except that last night, as I looked toward the house that held boxes and boxes and boxes of Sh*t….I mentally broke down, and had no choice but to rely on him….Merrill….but neither God, nor Merrill takes pleasure in my brokenness….and I believe that. So as I try to live my very hectic day….as I try to compose myself in church, as I try to spend another hour NOT studying for boards, I fight the panic…the panic that precedes the Chaos….it is kinda funny right, because I hide my crazy better than most, don’t I?….Merrill agrees. Chaos….if I could just kill, defeat or at least control this one LARGE personality flaw, I’d be so perfect that even Jesus would be impressed…..I wish I wasn’t like this…..I wish I was normal…..I wish, and wish, and wish. Chaos...It’s what happens inside the places you can’t see, that you need to worry about….Merrill knows those places, and I’m so blessed he doesn’t judge me….He actually likes crazy; which works out for me….Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

 

 

 

 

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Connected

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Me– This reminds me of that TV show…

Him– Which one?

Me– (Singing) Tiny…..

Him– Weeds. I know. It does me too

Several years ago, Merrill and I were sitting in his father’s living room, with the entire family (there are like 25 of us) watching the Super Bowl, or a Bears Game or something…..I looked over at my husband and asked, “Hey, who’s that guy in that movie we watched?” Without skipping a beat he said, “Danny Glover” and went back to watching the game….his brother, turned to his wife and said, “That’s what I WANT for US!”….Connected…..the two sides much push together, as much as they pull away.

So I hate flying. Never made it a secret that once I get on that plane, my Crazy becomes like a caged cat. It’s because I’m conflicted….Merrill, (ya know the PhD in Psychology), seems to think it’s my issues with control, but I’m not so sure….See, my internal workings, are much like the time Merrill once took a picture of himself standing in Durbin S. Africa with his right leg in the Atlantic, and the left leg in the Indiana Ocean….If you look at the picture, you can almost see the two oceans fight to become one…that is “convergence”. Both oceans are equally powerful, both equally matched, they push together, as much as they pull apart. It’s a tumultuous relationship, and a majesty to watch……neither one, can best the others…..my internal Crazy, on the plane, is where the need to control, meets the need to be secure…..see where I’m going here?

And so it stands to reason that the two come together to be one flesh. Except that, like a custody agreement, every nuance must be negotiated. I don’t care what any pastor, priest, madman or hooker tells you, the trick to a happy relationship is converging the two crazies, that is, interweaving the personalities, and making the two push together, as much as they pull apart. You will not find happiness in any relationship in which the other, is not an equal. Merrill and I fight just like the two oceans, because we are both worthy foes….Yes, we can read each others minds, and we do that annoying thing couples do when they finish the other’s sentences, but we are, in every way, equal…and like the oceans pictured above, in order to win an argument….one must make the effort to find common ground with the other, otherwise, we have a true stalemate….that Facebook has to settle. Connected…you have to ask yourself if the person you’re with, is worth the time it takes to knit the persona’s, because seriously, if not, don’t have babies with that person, don’t move in with it, don’t invest any more time….you’ll only hurt EVERYONE, when it doesn’t work out. So, I gotta go. We had to perfectly agree to make this move, it’s the only way it works….I like it when we agree….it’s no so exhausting. After all, do you know how tiring my crazy can be? Remember that movie, with that couple that had an animal? Yeah, it’s just like THAT. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday.

 

 

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Note To Self

Seventeen....and life to go.
Seventeen….and life to go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note To Self, “You are going to be an amazing warrior one day. You just have to live through tonight. Please, just live through tonight”….Ronnie to Ronnie…

 

Everyday….EVERY…..EFFING DAY…..there are 5,240 suicide attempts by youth between the grades of 7-12. (Youth Suicide Statistics). Stop this madness……

Dear Ronnie,

You can’t see him right now, but he’s standing and watching you from the corner, waiting for you to be successful. If you survive tonight, you’ll go on to ACCOMPLISH much in the name of God…I  promise, and he cannot have that. I know you,’re feeling hopeless, helpless, unwanted and unloved, but you are not unloved, nor unwanted…you just can’t see your Truth. Ya know, if you succeed…everyone will wake up tomorrow, and you will not. It’s just that simple BOO….Life will go on without you…the world will not stop, and all you’ll succeed in doing, is creating confusion and pain for those left behind. You will devastate your family! Trust me, you will carry this pain for years….I can’t help that….and I’ll validate that your life was unfair…..but sitting here in the dark, pills in hand, you’re not realizing the full potential of all that you’ll lose or all that you’ll FIND…. You will be an amazing Warrior one day, and I promise you, in a few short years, The bullies do die, because you find a way to beat them, your heart does find joy, your Prince will come, your life does get better because you find Peace! You have three babies that bring you much happiness….but you you must endure tonight….Jesus please, help her endure tonight.

(Ronnie at 46, sitting on the bed, in the dark, next to Ronnie at 17)

Truth is, Ronnie (17) did take the pills…..SMH….Guess there is GRACE. I asked my readers the question, “What would you say to your 17yr old self“, and as usual, the responses were on point. If we were allowed messages from the future, I’d sneak in the note, “Endure” because Endurance is the Promise that things do get better…..they always….get better, but when you’re a hopeless teen, with a broken heart, bullied and dealing with hurts from the past, you cannot see that…So, Note To Self.…What would you tell your 17yr old self, sitting on the bed, in the dark?

From Some of You:

Anonymous- It is a great quality to see the good in people and the world. But not everyone will have your best interest at heart. Don’t let your experiences harden you..But don’t feel guilty when your gut tells you to keep someone at a distance. Your gut is usually right. Also, be kind..even if someone else isn’t kind to you. Your actions speak to your character, not theirs. Lastly, the trauma you experienced in your past does not define you. Don’t let it rule the rest of your life. You are so much more than that.

Note- Your gut is ALWAYS right.

Lacey WatersAt that time I was a straight “A” highschool dropout. I was with a guy 8 years my senior. School was a luxury, because I had to work, and had been on my own since 15. I could say I would tell myself to run when I met the boys dad. But, I wouldn’t have my boys then. So… I would have said, finish school no matter what, and as soon as you find out you’re pregnant with Blake. Get the hell outta there.

Kathy IsaBrat ShawNever let fear hold you back from your dreams and goals. You’ll never know till you try. Love your life, love yourself, and be kind. But don’t be a doormat. Having faith, dignity, and courage is a good thing. If it’s to Good to be true, it usually is. Don’t just give away your gold to any old miner. There’s something to be said for holding out for something real and honest. Be discerning! Never sell yourself short! Own your mistakes and learn from them. Running away is never good unless being chased by some crazy fool who thinks you should put up with their abuse. Don’t gamble, don’t do drugs, and don’t give up on yourself. You are worth it.

Keri Ellen WhiteFinish college at western state no matter what it takes, and stop dating the “bad guys” because they will kick your a** no matter how much you think your love will change them.

TRUTH

Wilma M Allen-DeWittHaving a one year old daughter at this age, I would say to myself… Remember how strong you are, keep believing and stay focused on your dreams for yourself and daughter…ppl are not who you think or say they are, don’t believe the mean words, the whispers behind your back, or the bullying that many put you through. But still have fun and enjoy life. Finish all your goals…graduate (which I did) find your greatest job (which I did).
I also got pregnant again @ this age…I DO NOT regret it, but don’t marry this child’s father!
Marry the one to whom you were supposed to marry 22yrs ago, but are married to him now. Lol…

Jerry Perez- Love to live and live to Love!

Marcy Vincent DeanTravel more, study less, worry less, spend less, save more, follow your heart but listen to your guy, conquer your fears, love more, pray more.

Note To Self…..Ronnie, you’re going to be okay sweetheart. You’ll go on to earn a few degrees, have beautiful babies, become a writer people LOVE, and you’ll make lots and lots of amazing Nesquick….with the man, who asks you to thumb wrestle (hint: Say yes). Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness, Faithfulness and Self-control…the Fruits of the Spirit, the Fruits of Success, the Fruits of our future….the Fruits of our Lives….Life gets better because we eventually accept the reality that there are some things we can change, and some things we cannot…..May God have Mercy upon the 5, 240 souls that try today….I does….get better….I promise. Please ENDURE…..Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday.

 

 

 

 

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Inspiration

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Lightbulb” Ronnie reading a news poll.

A local newspaper asked its readers to share who…Inspired them the most….Intrigued, and in need of fresh material, I put the question to my readers….I wanted to know who Inspired you to be who you are today…..you did not disappoint. Inspiration…you’d be surprised at what we have the power to do without ever even really trying. Inspiration doesn’t have to be positive. It just has to be compelling enough to force a change in your perception and persona. I’m a fairly sarcastic, mocking, take no crap kind of gal, and you wanna know who had a hand in that? Well, the answer to that might surprise you.

8. (Tied) The Three Boys who used to beat me up for my lunch money everyday. Without you three, terrorizing my life, I would have never learned that I had the ability to lose my temper and go bat crap crazy on a bully. The day I picked up a stick, and hit one of you in the head so hard I heard it crack and saw blood ozzing down your face, was the day I realized the great joy that fighting back brought me. I do not enjoy human suffering, but I do enjoy it, if in it’s initial intent, the suffering was meant for me. I’m crazy…and I owe it all to the three of you, Walter, Elroy and Leroy….Ft. Sill Oklahoma. Also, To The Prankster who put the sign on my back, “Ask Me About My Period” and humiliated me in front of my peers…thank you. Walking the halls that day, having to hold my head above water, I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and in that, there was no where to go but up….You dear prankster, actually enabled me to not take myself seriously….I was able to be silly, and stupid; which released all future chains that sought to bind me. I thank all those who tried to control me through fear and power….In the end, you gave me JUSTIFICATION…for all future acts. Thank you!

7. Glamour Magazine. Suffering from a vicious eating disorder during my formidable years, I understand a thing or two, about BMI, and the perception of being overweight. Punishing my body for no slight it created, I would starve myself to the point of dizziness, then eat…only to bring it back up, and start all over again the next day. An article titled, “The New Plus Size Model” opined about the new Plus Sized celebrities in Hollywood and the acceptance of their girth…a whole size 8! Without any protest from the feminist groups, sworn to the protection of all things female, Glamour magazine lowered the bar on the standards for the self-images of thousands of Little Sisters around the world. Through the careful crafting of the NEW Plus Size definition, Little Sisters can now engage in sanctioned unsafe eating behaviors, to starve off the dreaded “fat” label that was once associated with the double-digit jean size. Combine this with the statement that Hollister doesn’t carry anything above a size 6, and Glamour Magazine, with the full approval of the “Beautiful People” has single-handedly destroyed the self-worth of those most likely to engage in dangerous eating disorders….our beautiful teenaged princesses. Glamour has taught me that if we don’t set the standard of Role Models, no one else will, for Hollywood has embraced the size 8, as a full-figure measurement to stay below for the big ticket features our Little Sisters watch.

6. My grandmother worked long days at HD Lee, a blue jean manufacturing company, to support herself and 4 kids. She didn’t ask to raise her grandchildren, she just did it. She was a tough old bird, who’d get up  at 4am, leave for work at 6am, and not return home until long after 5pm. She was known as “granny” in those there parts, and she was verily respected in our small Ozarkian town, even garnering the affection of the local game hunters who’d fill her freezer with all the local, wild fare. As a digression, I do not care for wild game, but my sisters (whom still reside there) love it. She was the embodiment of a hard-working, post WW2 survivor. She taught me sticktoitiveness (stick to it ness), the compelling need to rise above all that would bind you, and TO BE anything you set your mind too. She was my heart…and her spirit lives on within me today.

5. My high school boyfriend was a total, complete jackass. Just a kid himself, he was trying to do what we were all trying to do in Germany, which was bide our time and survive, until we got back to “The World”. An 18yr old G.I….He was so cute, so smart, and so aware of his charm. “I have a girlfriend back home” he would say to all his short-term paramours, just in case, they got ideas that he would fall in love with them, and walk off into the sunset with them. He treated any girl stupid enough to fall head over heels in love with him, like trash…and not the Monday morning trash, but the kind of trash you’d take out after a night of hard-core partying. I was one of the stupid ones….In the aftermath of a destroyed Spirit, good men suffered because I learned how to be smarter, colder and more proactive than any of them could ever anticipate..I have apologizes of my own to make..I am so sorry. It would take another “dog”, (smile) years to undo all the damage he did….

4. My Publicist is one of the most amazing women alive today. She has nothing but my best interests at heart; which, let’s be honest, the more Nefarious I become, the harder it is to find that quality. She is…my TWIN in every sense possible and while there are things in my past that would make her cringe, I know she’ll never judge me. I mean, she’ll want too….but she won’t. We both believe in Mission, over Money. If all we ever do is reach just one Little Brother or Sister, then one Little Brother or Sister is all we’ll ever reach, and we’re okay with that. I admire her quest to rid the world of bullies, because it’s my quest too….and if anyone could do it, it’d be her, but most likely US…together. She’s the one to watch….the one of the one to emulate….the one to KNOW….Seek her out now, before I’m discovered, because after then…it will be…too late.

3. Carl and Diane Lowe. Two salts covering the same earth, they picked us up for church every Sunday morning in those conversion vans well defined by the 80’s. Plush and pimp, we’d love riding in them every week because for a moment in time, we felt successful. On special occasions, like Easter, Christmas and Church camp, they would take us out and buy us clothes. Every year, camp was paid for by them, and every year, summer clothing was provided by them. Their generosity inspired me to be financially generous with others….We pay for church camp and if there’s something a child needs, we try to provide it. Money was meant to bless, but I wouldn’t understand that if it weren’t for the Lowe’s.

2. My 5th Degree Mentor, is married to my Publicist, and is a man with the ability to do great bodily harm upon your person, yet even with all that ability, he won’t. He goes around spouting riddles, and making people think about stuff before they do stuff. Drives me NUTS. Whereas I am very direct and loud, he is very direct and soft. If I held the power to snap your neck the way he does (and trust me, I’m trying to get him to teach that to me), I’d regulate in this city all day ya’ll…all day. I’m guessing that it’s his experiences, not unlike mine, that’s shaped his character. We’ve chosen different paths to enlightenment, but it gives me a great deal of pleasure to match wits with him, because it’s just so darn cute the way he thinks there’s a chance to change me….LOL….But someday, I might be on the verge of punching someone in the face, then remember his “open door” analogy, and think twice about assaulting my victim.
1. My husband is a smart, sexy Muthur. He’s built like a brick sh*t house…The perfect package, of looks, personality and brains, he’s the kind of guy you think twice about bringing home, because you’re afraid your mother will try to take him. He is…all things to me, and while I made a vow to never fight over a guy again, if you mess with him, I will END you….5th degree mentor be damned, I’ll make you famous, and not in the good way. He’s not perfect, he does say things that are stupid (i.e. “We’re only together due to my ability to tolerate you“), but he evens it out with Nesquick. He gave me two amazing spawns…ahem…babies….He is my heart, mind, body and soul and he inspires me every day. Not always the good inspirations, but certainly, the interesting inspirations. He saw my crazy and matched it with his sanity; which…drives me crazier. He is…the only man…who’s ever been able to hold on the entire 8 seconds…I think there’s Godly about that.

Some Thoughts From You:

Courtney Philips– ” My mom showed me how I don’t need a man to be a queen. growing up, watching her work to put food on the table, all that jazz, and still have time to make us feel loved and valued really taught me to have a good work ethic and to always be able to take care of yourself”.

Amy McQuown– ” So what I can give you is my love for Jesus is because of them (Grandma Teedy, Grandpa Dick). I’m far from perfect. And I’ve made more mistakes than I want to admit, but my knowledge of Jesus, and his love for me no matter my mistakes came from them. Church every Sunday, with them. Until I was 17 years old and driving my self. My Grandma is the rock of our family. And I can only hope to be half the grandma to my babies that she has been to all of us” Editor’s Note: I’m related by marriage…Her grandma, is my husband’s grandma….and I totally agree.

Lori Faquhar– “My husband is my Number One inspiration……he tells me daily how talented and compassionate I am to do what I do, and he always builds me up, encouraging me to reach my full potential and be all I can be”….

Ashley Edington– “My grandfather, hands down. My entire life, that man has shown me was a work ethic is. He worked at the power plant and was a farmer at the same time, and eventually retired from the power plant, and still continues to farm. I have seen him work my entire life, and never complain about it. Even when he was working awful shifts, or extra shifts, or shifts he wasn’t supposed to work but had to because he was picking up the slack for someone else. He has worked hard to provide for his family. I have learned many life lessons from his example and I will never be able to thank him enough for that”.

Becky Albin– “My Step Mom is the most saintly person I know. She used to always have dishes to wash when I would get home from school so she would be there when I walked in the front door to hear all about my day. Now, several years later, I ask myself, “where did all these “dirty” dishes come from?” She just listened-never gave advice. She and my Dad have always been there to help in any way they can”.

 

The good, the bad and the uglies of life can all be attributed to our Inspiration. I’ve seen great feats of strength, and great agonies of defeat due to Inspiration. Great leaders aren’t born, created, nor groomed, they are raised out of the ashes of having their asses handed to them, but while down, on the ground, something…has to inspire them to get up. Perhaps if we rose up leaders among ourselves….Praised our women, Valued our men…Encouraged our children…..we could change the current events in this country. Look at me…then ask yourself if you really have influence over a child, why you’re not using it. Inspiration….You have not…because you asked not…but get with me. I’ll teach you everything I know. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

 

 

 

 

 

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Nefarious Book Two

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Yoga…the official activity of California.

 

It’s official. We’re moving“….Merrill to Ronnie after accepting the job offer.

 

I can write this bad boy from anywhere……It just sucks, because I’m a daughter of the Midwest….guess I have some adjusting to do.

So that’s it……everyone who needs to know, knows….and because it’s going to be a little hard to hide my absence in Danville, I’m going to let you guys in on the big secret. We’re moving. Merrill accepted an offer of employment, and in the next 4wks-6wks we are going to be like gold miners and heading to California….It’s a little sad, because my writing bread and butter comes from the local people and their politics, but being that Sacramento is a larger city, I may find a greater wealth of material out there…who knows. Nefarious Book Two.…when I married him, I promised to love, honor, obey and follow him….could be worse….could be Ohio.

Okay so, there’s not much more to say. We have 4wks before schools start in Sacramento, we need to get a house, movers, rid ourselves of some stuff….My Goodness, there’s like 22yrs of crap in this house….we just kept moving it and moving it from place to place, and now that we’re moving three days across the country, I gotta figure out how to make a dollar…out of a C Note….Hint: My UGH’s, Pink, Dior, Bags….everything will be up for sale very shortly….Can’t take it with me! Do you need an Escalade?

I’m going to miss Illinois. The corn fields, the farmers, the sun rises, the sun sets. I’m going to miss the talk of the weather, sports, Illinois college ball…Sigh….Friday night football, Sunday afternoon Pewee after Sunday morning prayer…….I remember when my mother moved us to Germany, I had so many questions….Do they speak English, Do they have bathrooms, what do we do if we get lost, where will we live, how will we eat….will I make friends? I have the same questions about California. Nefarious Book Two….this is where we end the Illinois chapter, and begin the California chapter. At least we’re moving to a state with an ocean, a Disney, a hundred NFL teams, and a dozen universities. Could be cool….and if I don’t like it Reno is just an hour north east…..Gonna miss you Illinois…..but thanks to Facebook, it will be like I never left….someone tell our parents, and my daughter that…..Sigh. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday….

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Some Things Have To Change

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“I do”…..February 11, 1995

This is indeed, a Don’t Judge Me column“….Ronnie….

We tried really hard to make our wedding anniversary the same date as our meet and greet (oh yeah) anniversary, but Valentine’s Day was on a Tuesday in 1995…so, we had to choose the Saturday, if we wanted the family to come. I suppose we did. Now, what people don’t tell you about a romantic February wedding is:

  1. There aren’t that many Valentine’s weddings because it’s COLD.
  2. If you chose a February wedding day, in Illinois, it will be COLD, and you will REGRET your decisions.
  3. TWO gifts. We still get TWO GIFTS. You don’t get to buy just one, just because both days fall almost together.

In fact, it was -30 degrees the day Merrill made an honest woman out of me….”Well yeah” he said, “hell froze over” and indeed it had, taking Illinois with it….standing in front of the church, in a dress 1 size too big, I almost panicked, except I really couldn’t face a life without him….but then again, I had no idea what I was doing. My first husband and I took our vows in my Grandmother’s front yard with her standing a mere foot from me. She was so proud….a saintly couple, from my childhood, had paid $25 for the preacher, and had given me away, since my family was still in Europe. The only thing I was missing was the pregnant belly, a beer, and a Budweiser hat. The Ozarkian Bride….I was, for all Intensive Purposes (I know) what I mock today….”Some Things Have To Change“….not only did Merrill whisper it to me as he lifted the veil from my face, but it’s also what needs to happen IF you want true happiness in your life.

When your temporarily sans a mentor, you have to guess at everything. I had known I destined for greatness, but every choice was leading me to bondage, and not the good kind. Committing mistake after mistake….Merrill and I had to earn six the hard way, but we did it together. From borrowing $40 measly dollars to take Princess to the clinic to intentionally writing a bad check so I could go see Cheap Trick, we made…EVERY mistake a couple can make! See, the poor little Florida boy I married the first time, didn’t have what it took, to compliment my crazy. There was no way we were going to last…there just wasn’t. I made the mistake of youth…and little did I know that you owe no man, anything….but here I was married, naive, stupid and 19….and disgustingly unhappy. He was a good man, an Army boy at Benning, but there was no way I was remotely ready for the life the Military required….and even if I was…I didn’t truly love him, and that’s the kicker here….this man could never stand and face the gates of hell with me, because he couldn’t even handle me…….

And so, the Army shipped out my Florida boy to Egypt for a year…..They did us a favor….as  I had checked out on him long before then. By the time he took the Mac flight to the Red Sea, I had already set up an abode in Savannah, got a job serving drinks in a strip club, making my own decisions, but living with my own consequences. I had a daughter to support, and trust that I will never judge a girl for her JOB….if she’s out there hustling it to support a family, then you can step through me to judge her…..I did digress. Some Things Have To Change, and On Valentines Day, 1993….they did.  See, Yea though I walk through the valley of sin, my God didn’t abandon me. I had made every relationship mistake to get to him….I’m pretty sure he made a few to get to me. Without that little Florida boy, I’d have never met Merrill….but I hear he’s happy too; which is more than I can say for Merrill….Some Things Have To Change….You can’t judge me, because it worked out for me……Maybe it can work out for you too. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.

 

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A True Friend

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Loving, worthy, loyal

God Fearing

Always has your back, willing to listen, always tells the truth

Responses to last nights Facebook question, what is “A True Friend”

 

I will die knowing that there are those who loved me very much. I’ve been supported, encouraged, heeded and frankly, I’ve had honestly given, even when I didn’t ask for it…When I posed the question, “What makes A True Friend?” I already had an idea for my column in mind….I was testing you….drawing you in….because A True Friend does much. It’s ironic the way we’ve convinced ourselves that no one will understand….When my demon first appeared, she chided me by saying, “You’ll look stupid”  but of course stupid…isn’t so bad….it’s the perception of weakness that stops me dead in my tracks….I’m a Role Model….but I’m not….I’m just as human as you, and yet, I believe the hype that I….I cannot be weak….what I don’t realize is that you all already see me as weak…..A True Friend……let what God joined together, no demon tear asunder.

It started out innocently enough. Don’t pretend to not know what I’m talking about….you do it too…it’s just that your triggers are different. You see something, something is said, you read a column (mine?)….and the seed is planted……For me, it was a bariatric woman in walking in Wal-Mart one afternoon. She had no idea I saw her as she walked wearing her camisole two sizes too small, with her stomach and her naval exposed….Yes, I have body issues, but I’m mostly successful at controlling them…but when caught off guard, my issue grows and spreads like fire…Jesus had this one right…stay vigilant, diligent and aware. So, a week later, as I was engaged in errands, my camisole had creeped above my navel and my stomach leaked out over my pants….I stopped dead in my tracks….. it reminded me of the woman in Wal-Mart……

I couldn’t stand the self-hatred anymore….and all of it came bleeding out…as I told Merrill everything I had been going through….the body is like a pet…it only wants to please you, but I’m abusive to it….I just could not get the image out of my mind, the hatred….the helplessness…..the overwhelming self loathing I had allowed to build up, and didn’t tell anyone about because I didn’t want to look weak….and crazy. So, I told him….I’m getting older, gaining weight, I don’t look pretty, I don’t feel pretty…etc…etc…etc. Ya know, I’d like to tell you that my insecurities dissipated immediately, but that’s not true…they didn’t. This isn’t some ABC After School Special, but the relief comes from the SHARING of the fear, because that’s accountability…and that’s how we fight the demon’s in this house. A True Friend does not pretend to know anything about what you’ve been or are going through…..They don’t front, they don’t assure, they don’t make empty promises…..NO…. A True Friend, takes you by the hand, faces the demon WITH you say’s, “LEAVE HER ALONE, or you’ll fight ME”….Ya know, Merrill doesn’t even pretend to understand my crazy….he just looks at me, with those sexy blue eyes I adore and say’s, “Well, we have some monsters to kill“…..LOL, my mind is a dangerous place….I guess that’s what makes me the Anti-Role Model…..I almost feel bad for him, but then I realize that God put us together and Merrill likes Crazy, so WINNING. I’ll be okay, because the secret battle in my mind is now public….and public….is good! That’s the secret to life….publicity. Hmm, learn something new everyday. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.

 

 

 

 

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Building An Empire

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Mom, can I borrow some money? I have to take Princess to the doctor“. Ronnie, about a 100 years ago.

 

While some of you are at Church right now, or who knows..sleeping…..I am waiting in a DC hotel, watching some Disney Channel special about a girl a dog and a weird cat. Duchess say’s it’s called, “Weird Cat Girl” but I don’t think that’s right. We’re waiting on Merrill to get out of his driver’s meeting, but I can’t be too upset about it, because after all, that’s why we’re here. Something about this morning took me back to a place and time when Merrill and I could only dream about these vacations, and I’m struck, maybe even blessed to admit that we’ve come a long way baby. Building An Empire...it’s a long climb to the top ladies, but once there the view is fabulous.

Little Sisters, there is nothing wrong with wanting something for yourself. Actually, I encourage you to go out, get your hands dirty, and create something out of nothing. Look at me…do you think I’m dependent on anyone? I’m not, but let me tell you, everything is much sweeter…the success, the accolades, the victories, the SEX…when you have an equal to share it with. I remember not having a dime to our names, but through his working, and my nagging, we climbed…and climbed….and climbed. We made mistakes, we said some things (sorry about that mom joke dude), we got mad at each other, but really….like Elton John, we’re still standing. I saw something in him, when we first met….a little boy arrogant charm that didn’t quite convince me he was going to be the Sugar Daddy material I sought, but as time continued, my attitudes changed, my perceptions that not all men were assholes changed…sorta…they sorta changed, and we grew together…and the two…one day…became on flesh, then we moved on up, and life became GOOD. Okay, not really….but there was something in him…that I wanted to be a part of…..

Many women (not all) want a man to be set in his career goals, before they’ll ever talk to him….but that’s a risky road. I had friend tell me that she didn’t even take her shoes off for a man, for less than $60,000 and I thought, “Now that’s a plan“…but….but…what if, his success could also be your success? What if his goals, were your goals? What if your goals…were his priorities? Ahh…now we have a partnership…..a fortified relationship that say’s if he trades in your 40’s for two 20’s…well…then you have something to fall back on, because it’s one-half… YOURS. Do I look like I KNOW MY PLACE? I do…I know my place well, and for the last almost 25 years, my place has been right beside him, to guide him, to share in everything that came his…AND…..(not THEN)….my way. Building An Empire requires an equal understanding of where you both are together, and where you want to be in the future…then…make a plan. No, you are not going to make him talk about his feelings, cuddle you afterwards, or even (GASP) stop him from looking at other booties, but ladies, when you build something together….and it has the Seal of God (Come on, it’s Sunday and I’m a Christian)….there is nothing that can bring it down…save your own egos. So, what do you want? You want to wait for a man with $60,000 to come along and sweep you off your feet….or….do you want a man who knows that YOU are worth more…than his ego, and income? LOL, I’ll take the latter over the former, because half that Empire came from my supply. We may not always like each other, he may be more famous than I, but I have something you don’t…his kids and half his mess, but even more importantly, I have his HEART, MIND, BODY AND SOUL…..and he has mine…..together we are MVP….The Power Couple you created…..build an Empire that Satan cannot destroy, and like the big, bad wolf…he’ll have to go away…empty handed. Now, excuse me…we’re going to Arlington….as soon as….he’s done. Sigh. I didn’t say it was easy. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

 

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Just Like That

Making Memories
Making Memories

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans“. I read that somewhere.

 

I’m sitting here in a virtually quiet home, mulling over the possibility that maybe, just maybe, my overdue menses is on her way. I’m pretty sure my “Aunt” took a wrong turn in New Mexico, but as the memories and tears of an amazing weekend flow through my mind, I’m suddenly saddened by the realization that I just put my son on the bus to 5th Grade for the last time. I’m no novice at this Mommy thing. My beautiful Princess is 27 years old, and just returned from a weekend in D.C. where she was able to attend Memorial Day services at Arlington. It’s an experience that sombers the soul, and quiets the Spirit, but today, my Spirit is grieved. I went outside to say something to Merrill….but he was gone…and it hit me….Just Like That….time may march on…but it’s not your friend.

And so I sit here with the ghosts of birthday’s past, and I think about the babies, and the day I gave birth to them. Princess was Labor Day, September 4, 89, Sweetness August 22, 2007, and Duchess October 29, 2012. I look at them all today and wonder where the time went. While I was busy being a mom, student, wife and writer, my babies, like Merrill this morning, just left. I realize we can’t hold them down forever, but can we at least be trip them every now and then? Merrill leaving suddenly this am, without telling me goodbye (it’s okay he was late for an appointment) made me realize that LIFE moves quickly….too quickly….My mother, and niece arrived Friday, (it was a lovely visit), my husband walked into my life one day….my babies were born….Just Like That….they’re all gone…

We lose sight of why we do, all we do. All I know is that while I was in Nursing School, an entire year of life was taken from my family….Sigh. We’re grumpy, we’re busy, we’re tired, we’re distracted, and yet time…doesn’t care. It slows for no man, it stops for no God. The next time I put my son on the bus, he will be in Jr. High. Then…then he’ll be in High School….then (CRY) college. The next time I see my mom, Summer will be half-way over. The next time I see Merrill the entire morning will be gone. It all moves so quickly. Duchess is sitting next to me talking about her Panda’s birthday…I’m tempted to tell her to “Shhhh”, but I stop myself…, and I listen…Someday, the stories will be about a boy who broke her heart, her first prom, her impending wedding….Just Like That….you awaken, then one day you don’t. You put your son on the bus…you watch him walk the stage. You help her ride a bike….then you’re praying while she’s out driving her new car… You wish your mom a safe trip home, then you’re saying good-bye to her, in her final resting place. Life was meant to be lived, not controlled. Just take a moment today…and do your part to create memories, for one day that will be all you have. I gotta go….Sigh…it’s just hormones….or sadness. Either way, it doesn’t take away from the lesson….Safe Travels Mom…happy last day of school Bubby….have a great day Duchess….see you later Doll….I love you Princess….Excuse me…I have to go track down my Aunt….have you seen her? Tell her she’s late. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday.

 

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