“I’m trying. I really, really am Doll. I’m sorry”. Ronnie to her beloved.
“Just a closer walk with thee. Grant it Jesus is my plea.….”
God Has A Plan
The kids are playing in our back yard right now; which is cute, but a little difficult. We left 2 acres, for a plot less than half the size, but they seem to be doing well with the change. Kids are resilient….Wish I could be like that. All the talk of Folsom prison lately, inspired Merrill and I to take a drive to the lovely city, to check things out. Folsom really is beautiful with big beautiful mansions, a quaint historical district with rolling hills, a beautiful brook, and of course, the prison made famous by Johnny Cash. It doesn’t have theat prison town feeling that many in Illinois experience. I mean, it has a lower crime index, and honestly, the schools have a 95% graduation rate. It was a nice Saturday afternoon drive and while fun, it meant nothing to me. It’s been hard for me out here, but what can I do, but just move forward…and pray that God has a plan.….whose life am I meant to influence out here?
This morning, while doing dishes, I had an anxiety attack. It’s been a while, it was NOT a welcomed, nor a peaceful feeling. I don’t understand why it occurred, but I understood that if I don’t get a handle on my emotions, it’s not going to end well for me, nor my family. Am I leaving Merrill? No…I mean probably not….but he and I did speak last night. I was so hard for me to see the pain in his eyes as he tried to digest the words I had just said him. “How are you doing here. Settling in?”….. I just spouted the first thing that came to my mind, but why would I….should I….lie? “I hate it here. Absolutely hate it“….and with that, the talk was on, ” I’m trying…I’m trying to so hard to do this for you and the kids“. We both knew this move wouldn’t be easy, but I had no idea it would be as hard, as it’s turned out to be. Everything about my life has changed….everything. From my support system, to my Activities of Daily Living, I’m trying to find some solid ground in which to rebuild….many would say we did this as Brats in the military. Yes well, I hated it then too….I’m much older now…..I’m too old for this mess.
So, I haven’t written in a few days, because I haven’t been able to find my center. Mostly because I’m trying to be the center for my family. There was a young girl in a BMW this morning, that cut off my right of way, while she waited her turn in the Starbucks drive-thru lane. From the front windshield, I made the “WTH?” sign, then quickly realized that here….there will be no one to phone video my fight and put it on YouTube. I’m only partially kidding, I did get out and beat her ass….felt good, but my point is I am in this beautiful California city….and I don’t feel right. I’m so blessed…..God, I’m so freaking BLESSED….why is that not enough for me? I’m a strong person, so this morning, I made the decision to do all within my power to make this work. I mean, I miss home, but I also know that part of the reason we jumped at this new opportunity was to get my kids out of Danville….no disrespect, but that place is really turning bad, and I needed to provide them with a better place to experience life. No, I’m stronger than this….but the anxiety attacks need to go, they’re simply a manifestation of the stress I’ve been putting on myself. I made the very best friends in Germany and Danville, and I’ll make them out here too….After all, Ronnie hasn’t conquered this land yet….and the way I’ve been feeling lately, I’m not sure I want too anymore….and when I start to feel like that, I KNOW I need to move myself past this, because God Has A Plan….Seriously though, it would be great if He could give me a small hint…a push…or a drink. All three would be GREAT right now because I don’t like the anxiety….I really don’t. Be Blessed.
Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.