Tag: School

Special Needs Challenge

downs syndrome







I’ll wear your granddad’s clothes, I look incredible, I’m in this big ass coat, from the thrift shop down the road“. Macklemore, Thrift Shop….The kids were singing it.

Hey can we go to Target?” Student

I was called in to student sub today. I had a whole day of activities planned, but thought, “What the hell?” and accepted the job. I had the pleasure and honor of subbing in the Special Needs class, which had a variety of students and disabilities. Some with severe disabilities, and some not so much. They assigned “Rosie” to me, a little 7th grade girl with Downs Syndrome, who kept me on my toes all day. “Don’t let her see you follow her” the teacher advised me, so keeping my distance was quite the chore, especially since she went Dory on me, and disappeared, many times. Special Needs Challenge….man I had no idea what I was in for….

I don’t doubt though, that I won’t be asked back. See, the teacher and I had a slight disagreement about the “needs” of some of the children. Being assimilated into the Gen Pop, some get to go to regular classes, and only come back to the classroom for special instruction. In all honestly, there is NO reason, some of them can’t do, what the “normal” kids do, and that includes “Rosie”. Part of me thinks Rosie was mad, because I wasn’t her normal assistant, but to be honest, Rosie was doing the best she could to show people that she could do what the others did, and I agreed. As the kids were warming up with the Gen Pop for gym, they were taken out of that class, by ME, to go to Special Ed PE. Mannnn, were those girls pissed. “Why can’t we run with them?” they asked, and my only response was, “Um, I was told to come get you” so instead of running the mile, they got to walk the three-quarters…..

The Teacher, is an amazing individual, who I KNOW would give his life for those kids, so to say anything negative about him, would be a great disservice to you. I thought the wide receiver approach would suit some of them (not all…some needed one-on-one), but he wanted more of a running back situation….and the kids, especially the girls, resented it. It’s hard enough being in 8th grade. Put the added knowledge that you’re different, with a helicopter aid, and you’re gonna get mad. Shoot, it’s like Duchess saying she can do it, but I do it for her anyway. The girls, Rosie included, just want to be treated like the other kids, and in certain situations, I didn’t see the harm, but the Teacher is the boss, and his intentions pure. When Rosie had enough, she shut down….Now any kid shutting down is hard enough, but I’m gonna need some resources to read, to learn how to deal with Downs Syndrome shut-downs. No, I won’t be invited back…but it’s okay. I learned so much from them, and let it be known that if you ever use the word, “Retarded” in front of me, I’ll punch you in the face. These kids struggle to be what society defines as normal….they try harder than most “normal” kids I know….so please, understand, that you hurt them dearly, when you use terms like that. Special Needs Challenge. I feel like I failed them, but next time, I’ll be ready, especially if I have a friend who can recommend a resource. If there is a next time. Here’s to Rosie and those like her, rock on angels. You’re attempts are impressive. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.


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Push It

The Kiddie Pool
The Kiddie Pool








I have to walk away from you now“…Ronnie, coldly and calculatedly threatening a counselor.

I was reading a post in a Nursing Group, when my heart was touched by the struggle of a woman, who had been told she may not be cut out for The Nursing Profession. I get it….I think when the determination of readiness is made, the decision should be OURS, not the strangers who have no idea the trials we’ve been through. I mean, where do certain people get off, telling others, what they may or may not be good in, at or around? Pisses me off. So, I was on the phone with Chamberlin College in California yesterday, apparently, I have to take a personality test, and if I don’t “pass” that test, (that is if my personality doesn’t show Nursing as a choice), I won’t be accepted into the program. Not only does this pigeonhole my talent, but they clearly don’t know me. Refuse my admissions and I’ll put you on so much blast, NASA will ask what’s your secret….Push It….Get up on THIS (LOL). Seriously friends, if you WANT something, you gotta go get it…no one is going to hand it to you, but you’ve heard that from me before.

The Kiddie Pool Counselor violated me three times…..Three Freaking Times and he didn’t even buy me dinner. I usually like a little foreplay before I commit, but okay, it is his house. If you’re just now joining us, my counselor, ya know, the man paid to do his job, let my Math credits slip by…..but I was in his office every month, every damned month, and he let my Math credit expire…..I remember sitting in the chair across from him, after being told I was not eligible to take the TEASE test, and feeling strangely calm on the outside, but shaking on my inside, as my spleen RAGED freely. That’s a dangerous level of crazy right there folks. For months, I endured his passive-aggressive attitude toward me, a NON-TRADITIONAL STUDENT (It means OLD….OLD Effing student)..every time I sat down….He didn’t even look up from his computer when he asked me one day, “Are you really SURE, you want to be a nurse?“….He had to have pictures of the Admin in provocative positions….JERK. So I get it, Little Sister….I swallowed my pride, and endured him…even though he got that relationship twisted…because I wanted to be a Nurse…and so, sitting livid, in his office, I asked him, “How could this have happen?“….”Yes well, Mrs. Philips, your credits, are your responsibility. I can’t help you“….and like that….I was terrified…because I knew if I didn’t get out of his office right then and there, I’d be arrested. “I have to walk away from you now!” I told him and walked out the door.

Another year of Math, another year of hell in the Kiddie Pool….but as I think back to that hell now, I have to kinda, sorta, thank that creep, because he gave me the opportunity to practice my (what would later become) ENDURANCE. I was a changed woman, and I knew I had to help others change too….It was so challenging trying to convince a Little Sister that just because she bombed a test, it didn’t mean she wasn’t cut out for Nursing….so many mean-spirited, trick questions that benefited no one….Life Guards took great pleasure in tricking the babies….SMH. You’d be surprised at the sadistic nature of some of the Life Guards at The Kiddie Pool, but you’d also be surprised to know who really DID have your back the whole time…Push It..….Keep moving forward, never look back, and when you need a rest, take a load off and place it upon those who’ve gone before you…I mean, that’s what we’re here for right? But trust me on the “Walk Away” part. You will never regret counsel that prevents you from being convicted of assault. Take it from me….I might have some experience with that. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Friday.




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Lightbulb” Ronnie reading a news poll.

A local newspaper asked its readers to share who…Inspired them the most….Intrigued, and in need of fresh material, I put the question to my readers….I wanted to know who Inspired you to be who you are today…..you did not disappoint. Inspiration…you’d be surprised at what we have the power to do without ever even really trying. Inspiration doesn’t have to be positive. It just has to be compelling enough to force a change in your perception and persona. I’m a fairly sarcastic, mocking, take no crap kind of gal, and you wanna know who had a hand in that? Well, the answer to that might surprise you.

8. (Tied) The Three Boys who used to beat me up for my lunch money everyday. Without you three, terrorizing my life, I would have never learned that I had the ability to lose my temper and go bat crap crazy on a bully. The day I picked up a stick, and hit one of you in the head so hard I heard it crack and saw blood ozzing down your face, was the day I realized the great joy that fighting back brought me. I do not enjoy human suffering, but I do enjoy it, if in it’s initial intent, the suffering was meant for me. I’m crazy…and I owe it all to the three of you, Walter, Elroy and Leroy….Ft. Sill Oklahoma. Also, To The Prankster who put the sign on my back, “Ask Me About My Period” and humiliated me in front of my peers…thank you. Walking the halls that day, having to hold my head above water, I realized that I had hit rock bottom, and in that, there was no where to go but up….You dear prankster, actually enabled me to not take myself seriously….I was able to be silly, and stupid; which released all future chains that sought to bind me. I thank all those who tried to control me through fear and power….In the end, you gave me JUSTIFICATION…for all future acts. Thank you!

7. Glamour Magazine. Suffering from a vicious eating disorder during my formidable years, I understand a thing or two, about BMI, and the perception of being overweight. Punishing my body for no slight it created, I would starve myself to the point of dizziness, then eat…only to bring it back up, and start all over again the next day. An article titled, “The New Plus Size Model” opined about the new Plus Sized celebrities in Hollywood and the acceptance of their girth…a whole size 8! Without any protest from the feminist groups, sworn to the protection of all things female, Glamour magazine lowered the bar on the standards for the self-images of thousands of Little Sisters around the world. Through the careful crafting of the NEW Plus Size definition, Little Sisters can now engage in sanctioned unsafe eating behaviors, to starve off the dreaded “fat” label that was once associated with the double-digit jean size. Combine this with the statement that Hollister doesn’t carry anything above a size 6, and Glamour Magazine, with the full approval of the “Beautiful People” has single-handedly destroyed the self-worth of those most likely to engage in dangerous eating disorders….our beautiful teenaged princesses. Glamour has taught me that if we don’t set the standard of Role Models, no one else will, for Hollywood has embraced the size 8, as a full-figure measurement to stay below for the big ticket features our Little Sisters watch.

6. My grandmother worked long days at HD Lee, a blue jean manufacturing company, to support herself and 4 kids. She didn’t ask to raise her grandchildren, she just did it. She was a tough old bird, who’d get up  at 4am, leave for work at 6am, and not return home until long after 5pm. She was known as “granny” in those there parts, and she was verily respected in our small Ozarkian town, even garnering the affection of the local game hunters who’d fill her freezer with all the local, wild fare. As a digression, I do not care for wild game, but my sisters (whom still reside there) love it. She was the embodiment of a hard-working, post WW2 survivor. She taught me sticktoitiveness (stick to it ness), the compelling need to rise above all that would bind you, and TO BE anything you set your mind too. She was my heart…and her spirit lives on within me today.

5. My high school boyfriend was a total, complete jackass. Just a kid himself, he was trying to do what we were all trying to do in Germany, which was bide our time and survive, until we got back to “The World”. An 18yr old G.I….He was so cute, so smart, and so aware of his charm. “I have a girlfriend back home” he would say to all his short-term paramours, just in case, they got ideas that he would fall in love with them, and walk off into the sunset with them. He treated any girl stupid enough to fall head over heels in love with him, like trash…and not the Monday morning trash, but the kind of trash you’d take out after a night of hard-core partying. I was one of the stupid ones….In the aftermath of a destroyed Spirit, good men suffered because I learned how to be smarter, colder and more proactive than any of them could ever anticipate..I have apologizes of my own to make..I am so sorry. It would take another “dog”, (smile) years to undo all the damage he did….

4. My Publicist is one of the most amazing women alive today. She has nothing but my best interests at heart; which, let’s be honest, the more Nefarious I become, the harder it is to find that quality. She is…my TWIN in every sense possible and while there are things in my past that would make her cringe, I know she’ll never judge me. I mean, she’ll want too….but she won’t. We both believe in Mission, over Money. If all we ever do is reach just one Little Brother or Sister, then one Little Brother or Sister is all we’ll ever reach, and we’re okay with that. I admire her quest to rid the world of bullies, because it’s my quest too….and if anyone could do it, it’d be her, but most likely US…together. She’s the one to watch….the one of the one to emulate….the one to KNOW….Seek her out now, before I’m discovered, because after then…it will be…too late.

3. Carl and Diane Lowe. Two salts covering the same earth, they picked us up for church every Sunday morning in those conversion vans well defined by the 80’s. Plush and pimp, we’d love riding in them every week because for a moment in time, we felt successful. On special occasions, like Easter, Christmas and Church camp, they would take us out and buy us clothes. Every year, camp was paid for by them, and every year, summer clothing was provided by them. Their generosity inspired me to be financially generous with others….We pay for church camp and if there’s something a child needs, we try to provide it. Money was meant to bless, but I wouldn’t understand that if it weren’t for the Lowe’s.

2. My 5th Degree Mentor, is married to my Publicist, and is a man with the ability to do great bodily harm upon your person, yet even with all that ability, he won’t. He goes around spouting riddles, and making people think about stuff before they do stuff. Drives me NUTS. Whereas I am very direct and loud, he is very direct and soft. If I held the power to snap your neck the way he does (and trust me, I’m trying to get him to teach that to me), I’d regulate in this city all day ya’ll…all day. I’m guessing that it’s his experiences, not unlike mine, that’s shaped his character. We’ve chosen different paths to enlightenment, but it gives me a great deal of pleasure to match wits with him, because it’s just so darn cute the way he thinks there’s a chance to change me….LOL….But someday, I might be on the verge of punching someone in the face, then remember his “open door” analogy, and think twice about assaulting my victim.
1. My husband is a smart, sexy Muthur. He’s built like a brick sh*t house…The perfect package, of looks, personality and brains, he’s the kind of guy you think twice about bringing home, because you’re afraid your mother will try to take him. He is…all things to me, and while I made a vow to never fight over a guy again, if you mess with him, I will END you….5th degree mentor be damned, I’ll make you famous, and not in the good way. He’s not perfect, he does say things that are stupid (i.e. “We’re only together due to my ability to tolerate you“), but he evens it out with Nesquick. He gave me two amazing spawns…ahem…babies….He is my heart, mind, body and soul and he inspires me every day. Not always the good inspirations, but certainly, the interesting inspirations. He saw my crazy and matched it with his sanity; which…drives me crazier. He is…the only man…who’s ever been able to hold on the entire 8 seconds…I think there’s Godly about that.

Some Thoughts From You:

Courtney Philips– ” My mom showed me how I don’t need a man to be a queen. growing up, watching her work to put food on the table, all that jazz, and still have time to make us feel loved and valued really taught me to have a good work ethic and to always be able to take care of yourself”.

Amy McQuown– ” So what I can give you is my love for Jesus is because of them (Grandma Teedy, Grandpa Dick). I’m far from perfect. And I’ve made more mistakes than I want to admit, but my knowledge of Jesus, and his love for me no matter my mistakes came from them. Church every Sunday, with them. Until I was 17 years old and driving my self. My Grandma is the rock of our family. And I can only hope to be half the grandma to my babies that she has been to all of us” Editor’s Note: I’m related by marriage…Her grandma, is my husband’s grandma….and I totally agree.

Lori Faquhar– “My husband is my Number One inspiration……he tells me daily how talented and compassionate I am to do what I do, and he always builds me up, encouraging me to reach my full potential and be all I can be”….

Ashley Edington– “My grandfather, hands down. My entire life, that man has shown me was a work ethic is. He worked at the power plant and was a farmer at the same time, and eventually retired from the power plant, and still continues to farm. I have seen him work my entire life, and never complain about it. Even when he was working awful shifts, or extra shifts, or shifts he wasn’t supposed to work but had to because he was picking up the slack for someone else. He has worked hard to provide for his family. I have learned many life lessons from his example and I will never be able to thank him enough for that”.

Becky Albin– “My Step Mom is the most saintly person I know. She used to always have dishes to wash when I would get home from school so she would be there when I walked in the front door to hear all about my day. Now, several years later, I ask myself, “where did all these “dirty” dishes come from?” She just listened-never gave advice. She and my Dad have always been there to help in any way they can”.


The good, the bad and the uglies of life can all be attributed to our Inspiration. I’ve seen great feats of strength, and great agonies of defeat due to Inspiration. Great leaders aren’t born, created, nor groomed, they are raised out of the ashes of having their asses handed to them, but while down, on the ground, something…has to inspire them to get up. Perhaps if we rose up leaders among ourselves….Praised our women, Valued our men…Encouraged our children…..we could change the current events in this country. Look at me…then ask yourself if you really have influence over a child, why you’re not using it. Inspiration….You have not…because you asked not…but get with me. I’ll teach you everything I know. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday.






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Labor & Delivery










Haters gonna hate. Sometimes, the hater is the Instructor”…Ronnie to a classmate yesterday.

There is no proof that I had one Instructor this year that was a Hater. If anything, I think they did all they could, within the Cannons of their Ethics, to help me…so if I have any Instructors reading this, know I’m not talking about you. Actually, I’m not even talking about Teachers….I’m talking about LIFE, and how teachers are just a small part of it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, and had reinforced in OB, is that life goes to hell very quickly. The genesis of life, that is your entrance into this hell hole we call Earth, is a perfect example of what’s going to happen to you later….you may come in with some modicum of fanfare….but trust me…you’re not special…eventually chaos will get to you too….Labor & Delivery, it’s what you do about it, that makes you a hero to me.

So that’s a good build-up….Labor & Delivery….all the ultrasounds, exams, palpitations and digit explorations in the world will not prepare YOU….for what happens when everything goes wrong….you may be scheduled to give birth on Christmas, but that baby may chose to come Thanksgiving….LOL, you’re not in control….THAT’S LIFE…. When I think about women of  yesterday, and what happened when the process went BSC….I shudder….they didn’t have what we have today, and yet, women today still die…when Princess decided to make her Grand Entrance into my life…she did so…at 10lbs (how the MD didn’t see that coming I have no idea), but also she got stuck in the birth canal….I was the teaching case for OB that night….she almost died….

When Merrill placed Duchess on the floor that fateful morning in October 2012, we were looking forward to the day off together. Maybe chase each other around the house…have some NESQUICK…..but as he placed her on the floor and walked away, she slumped….and seized….Hmmm…I remember my phone ringing on Monday the 7th of November…Merrill had dropped dead on the basketball floor (that’s a great analogy)….Life…death….Labor & Delivery…CONTROL…it’s an illusion…..Actually, the very fact that you think you’re in control shows just how much humility you’re gonna need..to get by…I know humility….I know what it’s like to be broken, I wouldn’t wish that upon you……Labor & Delivery takes but a moment, a split second in time….to Eff Up your day. LOL, “The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men, often go awry” and if you don’t know that quote, your school failed you. I gotta go….it’s my final test of the year….Great Caesars Ghost….I freaking did it….this plane crash, cluster mess….is over. I think I may cry….and I’ll simply end with, “Be Blessed”….

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday…..

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Do One Thing

This makes me very uncomfortable
This makes me very uncomfortable











Yesterday was the first time I went into a test, without anxiety, and said, ‘Eff it’ and did WELL“….Ronnie

Every day, DO ONE THING, that makes you uncomfortable“…..Ronnie to a little sister…

But I’m still not touching a spider….just saying!

I met a Little Sister whose attending school (Arizona State), and moonlighting as an Editor. Based on her personality, right now, I wouldn’t want her as my Editor, because I would need someone to say to me, “Shut it. It sucks this way” and since I really don’t take criticism well, my future Editor needs to have gonads of steel, but who knows maybe one day, with some experience dealing with assholes, she’ll be ready for the likes of me. The irony is that she is very good with her Science Writer…but he lets her do whatever she wants…I did get to meet and talk to her, and I found out, that she doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings. She confided in me that she’s already receiving referrals for other writers, and she’s nervous about advising them on their craft. I get it…I do, but Editor’s are some of the most cutthroat, brutal people alive…..Do One Thing..…I’m confident she’ll be a brilliant Dietitian and Editor one day…as soon as she figures out that to live for likes, is a fools folly.

I’d never, EVER leave the freaking house if I was worried about what any one thought of me. Screw it. Confidence is a life-long journey though, and anyone that says different is trying to sell you something, but I get it. I was caught off guard by the statement that Little Sisters were three times more likely to catch an STI, than their older counterparts, because they lack the negotiating skills, (that is the maturity), to demand protection from their partner…In trying to please the guy they’re sleeping with, they’re risking their very own lives and future fertility they don’t get that to live for likes is a dead’s man quest! BTW, a man isn’t going to do you less for making him wear a condom. Right, wrong or indifferent, he’s out for one thing, he’ll wear a freaking head to toe raincoat if you make him…I did digress. So, here sits this blooming Editor in front of me, with the potential to do amazing things in the world of writing, telling me she doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings…well hell honey there is no way out of life without offending someone, mostly because everything offends someone….SO…

Do one thing every day, that makes you uncomfortable” I told her, “and soon enough, you’ll find yourself seeking opportunities to perfect your craft…whatever that may be“….but also, it helps with confidence…it helps to display one’s passions, or to face one’s insecurities. She told me that she loves photography, and has her phone filled with pictures of flowers, and random shots she finds throughout the day, but wouldn’t post them to FB to save her life. “You don’t give your true friends much credit do you?” I asked her…”Post your pictures, they’ll support you because of who you are”. You’re not going to win them all, you’re not going to lose them all, but you’ll know nothing, if you don’t at least try. LOL, it takes all kinds. Truth is, just when I’ve seen it all….I find out there’s more to see…an Editor afraid of hurting feelings….seems to me that people would pay her to hurt their feelings and now that I think about it….how do I get in on that scam….I’d be quite good at it. Gotta go. You know, The Toddler sees all…she doesn’t care about feelings….how can I take that, and harvest it for money? Do One Thing everyday that makes you uncomfortable, but make it a positive thing, least I just mentored a new generation of bank robbers…it would suck to find out that my only legacy was inspiring fledgling criminals. Be Blessed.

Remember you set The Tone. You ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday.

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You’re Pissing Me Off


I’m going to get TWO Pips

Two Pips?”

Yep, TWO. I’m going to tell them to F*ck off TWICE

I’m a little pissed at The Kiddie Pool, because for reasons known only to them, they’ve chosen to not disclose the 2nd quarter clinical schedule. Actually, it still isn’t official…it’s just speculation, confirmed verbally, by the Director…You’d think it was the nuclear codes to the city….Ya know, it’s hard enough for us, without the Admin throwing obstacles in our path. Truth is, we’re not asking for special consideration…it seems odd that we have to beg to be treated as equals to the other students….I mean, just a chance to be like all the others, who get their class schedule in advance…Imagine not knowing the Statistics class schedule, until arriving at school. You’re Pissing Me Off….Do you guys have some kind of bet on us to fail?

So, sitting in class the other day, a rumor started that the 2nd quarter clinical schedule, in Champaign (30 miles away), is 7a-2p the 1st 4wks, and 2p-8p the 2nd 4wks, and we, the students are the last ones to know about it….let that sink in…. So, it isn’t like we don’t get mind screwed every day….Every freaking day…we work, we study, we stress, we sacrifice (more than a Stats major I can tell you that) and now we get to bend over the proverbial barrel and be screwed in the biblical sense, and we PAID them for that honor…That’s got to be some kind of sin, or illegal, because sex for money is prostitution, and I resent being forced to that level. What’s worse, (worse than prostitution?) is they don’t even have the common decency to tell us what’s happening. “Your Instructor will discuss it with you” they told us…the 1st week of clinical.

THAT’S ENOUGH. First, you pick and chose who does, and does not, have to successfully complete the pre-reqs; which for the record, that’s like making a predetermination into who will and will not be successful in your program. You hire Counselors who failed the interview at Burgers Are Us, you won’t help us with questions about job searches, You expect extreme amounts of fidelity, and adherence to the program, when you yourself aren’t willing to adhere, AND….AND…you sneak in road bombs just to see who doesn’t fall….Asking us to find quality childcare, on a dime, is like watching assholes and elbows explode all over the room..there will be blood and confusion everywhere. All we have ever asked for is to be treated as equals to the other students. To get our schedules in advance, to be offered the same access to programming that others receive, to have Counselors with knowledge in their chosen field. You would think, with all that we’ve overcome, we would not get eaten by our own. Dig? We still don’t have confirmation of the new clinical schedule, and from where I sit, it appears that you, Kiddie Pool, don’t give a frog’s fat ASS about what we go through to pass your program, and your arrogance in assuming that we’re going to credit you one day with our success is slightly Bi-polar. It does seem like I’m paying The Pool quite a bit of money to take it from behind…..shoot, I could get Merrill to do it for less, and it would probably be better….at least I’ll get lubed. The Kiddie Pool needs to get their sh*t together and realize that what they’re doing is not only unethical, but unfair, and asking single parents to just pick up and find ANYONE to watch their children is arrogant and unrealistic. We are trying to better our life, in spite of the mind screw you hand us daily….we don’t need your help…we just need you to do your job…be fair…treat us with the same respect you treat the Shop Majors. Gotta go. Ya know, in the end, The Pool clearly determines who’s successful, and who fails….but in spite of their attempt to trip us up, I…no WE’LL do this together…there’s already talk of kiddie pooling babies to school…. I’ll be nefarious one day, and I’ll tell everyone….EVERYONE that we did it for ourselves…You’re Pissing Me Off…I would think The Pool would not want to do that…Can’t wait to be famous….Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Saturday.

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Sudden Death

He Clowns Too Much
He Clowns Too Much

I don’t have any idea“…Ronnie responding to how she did on the test yesterday.

When you’re surviving….little things like test scores, aren’t important” Oscar worthy performance of Ronnie.

Nope, I’m not like my classmates. I don’t scour the email seeking the answer to how well, or how poorly I did on an exam…I figure, if I’m mossying past my email, I’ll take a look….giggle. The truth is I’m a little funny about those things. If I KNOW I got a good grade, I’ll go look, but if I think I’m on the fence, I won’t.  C’est Moi….and one of the little things that make me…ME. I did do very well on my Cardio test, but come on, you knew I would….I’ve just been so funky lately. Like moving through the motions of my life…Sudden Death will do that to you….

The thing with “Heart Attacks” even though he’s telling everyone he didn’t have one, and technically he’s right…he had a Sudden Death Cardiac Incident; WHICH if you think about it, sounds much BETTER than a simple, pussy ass heart attack….I mean after all, why would you sugar coat it? Sorry, I digressed. No,…the thing about Surviving Sudden Death Cardiac Incident’s is the “Incident” in and of itself is easy to move past….like falling from a bike, should you survive it. I mean, you ride, you fall, you survive maybe…but do you get back on the bike, do you make jokes about it, do you grow a freaking ugly beard that annoys the hell out of your wife, because somehow the beard represents the fact you survived?…See the part the COD tried to warn me against….was what happens after everyone goes home…and I guess I get it. Fellow classmates, you WILL get your patient through his/her Incident, but what you need to be most alert of, is the shell-shocked spouse….The one who doesn’t want attention, but does need to have some NEED met….we don’t know our needs….so we ignore them…until we’re apathetic to all that goes on around us….

I begrudge no one. I’m still kissing the ass of my Father, in Heaven, who sought to give me the life of my spouse, but a friend asked me the other day, “How are YOU?” to wit I responded, “You give a sh*t about me?”….it was a little harsher than I intended, but you get the point. I’m not asking for accolades, nor attention, I’m saying when two people are supposedly in love, and have been together for a quarter of a century…there are two people…experiencing the Sudden Death Cardiac Incident, AND the more I write that the more I prefer Heart Attack! As Nursing Students, we’re taught to take in the entire Holistic Approach to healing for our patients, well guess WHAT? Part of the Nursing Staff forgot that there’s still a terrified spouse, not sleeping at night, because she’s so FREAKING EXHAUSTED of dealing with her NORMAL day-to-day activities, and the possible threat that her husband, (you know the one who makes jokes about how little he died), will indeed finish what he started two months ago….and if you think that isn’t baggage enough, you’ve not been terrified! All I’m saying is that while you and the recipient of the new life are making jokes realize that the spouse who still doesn’t sleep, the one who still holds her breath every time he freaking sneezes, the one whose pretty close to losing her sh*t…doesn’t think your jokes are funny…Oh, and I’ve had my discussions with him….and he doesn’t care…so I’m coming after you …..because on some level, he’s trying to deal with all this in his own way……..sigh. Sudden Death, the real fun doesn’t start until months later…and by then…it may be too late to save what’s left of someone’s security, and sanity….remember, when two come together they are ONE…..well, that’s how it supposed to be anyway…..Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday.

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Mental Health

It Happens
It Happens

My time is not a credit card. I’m the one who has to pay the bill you guys charge up“. A very frustrated Ronnie….

So I have to go to court this Friday to defend myself against a speeding ticket. I ain’t mad, I DID IT, but what I didn’t get charged with was using my phone, and to this day, that cop SWEARS I was on the phone….I was not. He said he wasn’t going to take my license (thank you), but that I had to face the judge and maybe…get Court Supervision. I hope he doesn’t take my license….maybe I can beg for mercy…..Sigh…..I’m in trouble….big, big, trouble…but not because of the ticket….If Life is a bitch, Mental Health is it’s mother. May God help me through this.

I don’t know what’s going on….I can handle bad guys, as long as there’s not more than 3 or 4 at a time….I’m not kidding, I don’t want to celebrate Christmas. For those that know me, that’s saying a lot…wouldn’t you say? There’s not a lot that makes me “happy” right now. Merrill has been on my ass to pick a day to go shopping, but I don’t want too. My joy…my mojo…is gone. I’m overwhelmed with school, and home…if I’m not in the car doing some nefarious errands, I’m trying to make sure Merrill doesn’t get excited. I’m watching him sleep, I’m watching his heart rate, I’m holding my breath…..I try not to whine too much about it, after all, this is my penance for his life….I feel like my lack of excitement over anything excitable is simple the result of paying dues….The wages of his survival? …I’m depressed…

We don’t talk about depression enough in this country, because there’s a stigma attached. After being the recipient of Anxiety, I can testify that it isn’t an attention-getter as much as it is a struggle. Depression and anxiety can be a powerful double-team, and it can be temporary, but left unchecked….it’s a Spirit Killer. Telling me to “chin up buttercup” is only going to get you punched in the face, and yes, I’ll do it. It’s not about Merrill or his “incident” (as everyone keeps calling it), it’s about my security in his life being shattered….like I told a friend, “Sometime CAT wins….it’s just the way it is”. So, after tomorrow’s finals, will life get easier? I’m thinking no…because I’m not addressing the underlying cause of my depression…Until a Little Brother or Sister commits suicide, or (God forbid) murder, we don’t talk enough about Mental Health. If you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide or harm…you are not alone. You are not faulty. You are not crazy, but you do need help….if it takes me humbling myself before you to show you that we all deal with it, then I’ll take the mocking for one person to seek help. I dunno. I just want to stop crying all the time….and I’m sure I have a few friends, whom understand. Mental Health….get help…get healthy….get well….follow me…LOL, we can do this together. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Tuesday.


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Collateral Damage, I Wish I Hadn’t Cried

I LOVE my family.....
I LOVE my family…..

Just leave me alone“. Ronnie, in her very foreseen breakdown

Sigh. Friends, you cannot allow the top to stay on a boiler and expect it not to blow. Know what I mean? For all the BS and hype I’ve given, I’m human, and yes, I have dysfunctional ways of dealing with stress. Some stress is good, after all, it’s what motivates us to continue on in this thing so-called life (and run from bears), but when you keep adding, and adding, and adding…without releasing, and releasing and releasing…the boiler blows, and the ones you love the absolute most, will be caught in the Explosion. Collateral Damage, I wish I hadn’t cried. Crying not a sign of weakness, but it IS a sign that something’s wrong.

Collateral Damage is the ideal that those least deserving of  your ire, are the ones the most likely to receive it. I HATE THAT. You only hurt the ones you love…blah, blah, blah. Innocent people get hurt all the time, sigh, but when it’s my family…Lord, I’m a jerk, but I busted my ass to get here. You all know this. You watched me, prayed with me, followed me through The Kiddie Pool…..laughed when I laughed, cried when I cried, but Holy God…this is a whole different monster. Nursing School is bad enough, but all the other crap added to this…..I try daily, to die daily to the stress that plagues my soul, but it’s not working anymore. “If God brought you to it…He’ll bring you through it” they say, but they’re wrong. There are many choices we make that God had nothing do with…what He does promise is to never leave you…but that doesn’t mean you won’t hurt a little.

Discern your motivations. Is it about His Glory, or is it about yours? I feel like all those whom encouraged me to stay and finish what I started, really had the right intentions. I really do, but mixing #momlife, #collegelife and #cardiolife into the same bowl, will assure you that there will be only one winner….it won’t be #collgelife. What I’m trying to tell you is that the stress in my life has hit an apex….only two things were going to happen. I was going to break and give up….or cry. I chose the latter….because I’m not a quitter; which isn’t a bad thing….I suppose there was a little Satan in there after all. So, Collateral Damage, I Wish I Hadn’t Cried….but cry, and explode I DID. It wasn’t their fault all this sh*t happened. Wasn’t mine either…..I’m going to do my best to finish this race, even if limping across the line is the only way I go through. Freaking matyr…..I gotta go. Church lost out to study….what did you expect? I couldn’t get my sh*t together if you paid me…..May the Grace of God see me through this, and may He protect my family. It’s not their fault, I chose to be stubborn….I dunno, maybe God will bring them through this….Sigh. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

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I Gotta Shower Soon

Still Great at 46
I wanted a shower

“You’re pissed off because of a shower?” Merrill

Yes I am. It’s the little things that bring out the bigger feelings…..You Hip? It’s not braggart, but pride that compels me to share with you something said to MOI, by a Petite Soeur a few months ago. “You’re so open, honest….and raw”….”Raw”…Raw…..Unprocessed? I stink? Without process (lol)? Before preparations? Maybe all of the above. I wrote a little bed time ditty on FB last night, and while I do have a semi-time private life, I write from a place of reality, real feelings, real thoughts, real actions….I write from a place of Rawness, because if you don’t see my struggles, how can you appreciate my successes? You can’t….because if all I show you is Pink and Blue Unicorns, you’ll never know the true sacrifices of my path, and you won’t follow me…….No, it isn’t your business, but I Gotta Shower Soon, and that’s part of what started this rant….last night. Do not take advantage of those whom love you very, very much.

I’m disappointed, that is by far, worse than being pissed. In any relationship there’s going to be some give and take…but when YOU give and you TAKE…you’re gonna leave your partner resentful, and when the ROOT of Bitterness creeps in, the only thing you can do is pray….Truth is, you can look at someone, and envy all their achievements, but it’s a trap. You have no idea what that person had to go through for the small semblance of success they achieved, AND honestly you have no idea what someone else had to go through for that person to be successful. Come on, be honest, ALMOST 100 times out of 100 times, you’ll see a man doing very well, but you’ll also see a bitter ex-wife in the back ground….she may have a large settlement, but I’ll guarantee you that at one time, she didn’t want the settlement, she wanted her husband. Any modicum of victory we experience in our lives, comes with a price. Could be pride, desires, time, or money, but it should never, EVER be your family….for it all falls apart without them….

So yes, all this is about a FREAKING shower…..Realizing last night that I couldn’t shower with Duchess up and at em in the living room, I suddenly became aware of what my life had become, and I got pissed off. Relax….I have a good life, but there are some tweakings that need to be done….I’m not divorcing Merrill…yet. For all my friends whom are lovers, writers, actors, Engineer’s….whatever….realize that behind your victory….stands another champ….whom we don’t talk about enough. Don’t Judge Me….About that bitter ex….my guess is all that person wanted…was the one thing…the Victor couldn’t give him/her…and that’s too bad. Relationships are about balance…give and take….success is simply a result of a balanced relationship…..Feel me?  I may not be famous, but I’m known enough to know that to be HERE…means some nefarious mess and sacrifices had to go down, and before any of you JUMP me….Merrill is well compensated for any sacrifice he feels he’s made…..You do nothing alone in this world and anyone whom says different, come see me, I have a Chanel I’ll give you for a $1. Now turn to your left and right, and say, “Thank you”…because that person CHOSE to sacrifice for your victory, and you owe them….At least bring your ass home so they can freakin shower…..I’m DONE…I mean it. Okay, Kiddo’s are almost up….I Gotta Shower Soon….and I do stink….I didn’t sign up for THAT. Be Blessed.

Remember you set The Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Thursday.


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