Tag: Toddler

George Washington DC

She IS Adorable
She IS Adorable

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You were looking forward to this vacation. You had on the rose-colored glasses this time, YOU were the Pollyanna. Still feel that way Stud Muffin?”

No…not at all” Merrill

It’s amazing how quickly children will make or break a vacation.

It wasn’t/isn’t like it’s the Chevy Chase Vacation of the 1980’s. No, this is the older parents, old enough to be grandparents-parents, vacation. We, like most of our peers, should be sleeping in with children well into teenage years, or maybe even adults. We chose to have our children later in life, therefore, whereas you all are gently sleeping in right now, beds full of goose down feathers, visions of your lazy newspaper in bed while you drink coffee and mess around, we are fighting children…just to go eat. My back hurts, Merrill is starving, and the baby? Well, she’s running around interchanging the phrases “When can we go swimming?” with “When can we go to George Washington DC?” Hmmm, George Washington DC, because our vacations, are not yours. Curse this wanderlusting….

So okay. I am tired, and I am sore. That bed isn’t friendly to those who have bad backs, and Merrill’s been so exhausted himself, that he hasn’t even tried the, “Hey, we’re in a new STATE!” game he likes to play, when we’re in a new state. Chasing two children around the Carnegie Museum, in Pittsburgh, had us both promising that we would never again try to ingrain some culture into these two heathens. Let em be crumbsnatchers for all I care. Duchess chose the Carnegie Museum to exert the “last child privilege”, by screaming at the top of her voice, “NO. You can’t make me”; which was true, I couldn’t make her….but I could drag her, and drag her I did…a 40lbs piece of child through the Chanel collection….I have a hernia now. People thought we were part of the art collection, because art is whatever you make of it…they tried to compliment me on my use of modern child-rearing situations in cultured environments. I have a showing next week. I haven’t pooped in TWO DAYS…there is no Jamie Lee Curtis and her yogurt, nor ESSENTIAL OIL (don’t bother) that’s gonna help me be back on my regular schedule…now if they made an EO that allowed for a total disconnect of your life while you child touches the Van Gogh, and say’s, “That’s ugly”…right next to the sign that states, “Parents, please do not let your children touch the Van Gogh-We will SHOOT you”…then I’ll buy it, and use it. Until then…

Sleeping in until 7am this morning, Merrill announced to the world he was starving, and by God we’d better get ready so he could eat. Generally, I like to sit and drink some coffee before I get up and chase kids. Only 3 zoos in the States have panda bears, and we’re going to one of them today, although, I did swear….on a stack of BIBLES yesterday…..that we were NOT going to the zoo, and that we would promptly turn the Spring Break mobile around and go 700 miles back home….and I meant it….but I was tired…my throat was sore from cursing, my arm was hurt from dragging. When the beautiful king sized bed finally called me, I was out…but by midnight, there were three other bodies in there with me. Sigh….#momlife is pretty cool….but sometimes, it isn’t. Gotta go. George Washington DC and it’s freaking panda’s await. So looking forward to a day of screaming, crying, tantrums, and cursing…and that’s just ME. Baby making is for the young. I should be a Sylvester Granny at 46….but NO. I had to love him, have his babies, and blah, blah, blah. I hate him….him and his little, “This will be fun” attitude. Screw him, he can go raise these children with some young chick who’ll love him for his money. I’M OUT. Panda’s do have it good you know. They just plop out the babies, and they go on to star in loving children’s movies…..To be fat, black and white, and asleep, right now would be so very cool….so very, very cool….Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you Are the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.

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When I’m A Grandma

16402792_1239221172780933_8971493552307712678_o“I can’t wait to see Nana Mommy. I love my Nana. Is Nana there, or did she go to Walmart? Does Nana know I’m in a Princess Pageant this weekend? Will Nana go watch me? Does Nana know about Dudley? Did she see the drawing I made her? I peed my pants today mommy, don’t tell Nana. I love my Nana”…..Duchess excited to find out her Nana had arrived.

I only know MOM….I have no idea who Nana is! When I dropped her off at school yesterday, I promised The Toddler that when I came back, my mother…her Nana…would be waiting for her at the house. She loves her grandmother, but then again, so do Sweetness and Princess. Funny, I don’t remember her being so cool when I was growing up. When I’m A Grandma I’m not going to be cool. I’m going to be the same hard-ass, jack wagon I am now. Those kids WILL NOT walk over me….oh, and I won’t be called grandma, Nana, Maw or any other cute name…Ms. Ronnie will do just fine thank you very much.

Let Merrill be old and a push over…..I ain’t got time for that mess. Besides once you become a grandparent, you don’t get Nesquick anymore….it’s a law! Don’t get mad at me for that….I like my Nesquick…but I did digress. Duchess is a bad kid…well not a BAD kid, she’s just a little high-strung and high maintenance, but around her grandmother, my mother, she’s a freaking angel. A sweet faced little girl who does what she’s told to do…and I’m like, “Where is my daughter?”…..It really does seem to me, she’d be worse, because my mother lets her do whatever she wants….well, not stomp the roses. She wouldn’t let Duchess stomp her roses, but come on…she didn’t even yell at her…she just said, “We don’t stomp grandma’s roses” and like that…she quit stomping…No, my mom, tells the Toddler to do stuff, and I’ll be damned, she does it….sometimes with a “Okay Nana”….no argument? No fighting? No, “I HATE YOU”?….But my mother is a different person too…. I watched my mom play telephone with Duchess last night and thought to myself, “Hmmm, she never played telephone with me!”

So what is it about being a grandparent that changes one from the “Dear Jesus don’t let me KILL this child” to the, “Oh she’s fine, let her play with my favorite knick-knack”? My mother, patiently sat and watched Trolls last night, a movie that did not impress me, and frankly annoyed me a little bit….but there sat mom…with Duchess snuggled up against her….made me sick. My mother, buys things for the babies, things they don’t need, but to ask her for a new pair of shoes growing up, and I’d have to mow lawns until the cows came home to get a dime from her….No, my mom, will go to Walmart, (when it’s not under a bomb threat), and buy crayons and freaking coloring books for a child who has too many crayons and coloring books. This is not the same woman who raised me….I have no idea who this woman is…….When I’m A Grandma I am going to make those bratty ass children tow the line, and behave…the way I made their parents. No goodie/goodie, ‘Oh they’re so adorable’ persona for me….Let Merrill be the pushover…he doesn’t need Nesquick anyway, and yes, the thought of some of you grandparents having sex, does disgust me….Gotta go. Nana is watching Mickey Mouse with the Toddler….WTH? I don’t even know who that woman is…anymore…..oh and before you hate on me speaking so boldly about my mother, understand that I give the same crap to Sgt. Major…..that man is NOT the Drill Sgt. I remember. If you knew him 20yrs ago..all bossing little GI’s around, you’d not know him today…playing with the grand kids….That will so NOT be ME. I’m too cool to be a push over. Be Blessed.

 

 

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America’s Best Supreme

America's Best Supreme Winner :)
America’s Best Supreme Winner 🙂

This is nice mommy” Duchess and Mommy at Sonic at 9:30pm.

Big shout to the organizers ofthe America’s Best Pageant. You came, you brought it, you stepped and impressed. Thank you for you time and talents.

Eating a late night dinner, at the cholestrol fueled drive in, Duchess and I were alone, and just talking. She’s a wealth of information…24 hours later, I realized just how tired I was….The next time I even think about attending a 3-day pageant, someone please lock me in a barn (ala Walking Dead style) until I either come out of it, or die….both are good with me. Some would argue that the price, the ultimate reward for chasing that wayward toddler all weekend, was worth it…Well, if you weren’t there…if you didn’t chase the wayward toddler, if YOU didn’t pick up a strand of your beloved pearls that had fallen out of your bag in the parking lot and broke, if you didn’t come and give me one moment of respite when the surprise anxiety attack visited me….then STFU for the crown was indeed adorable, and welcome, but worth it? We’ll come back to that….America’s Best Supreme….Duchess took home TOP (what, what) honors…..I AM proud.

Let me explain….Duchess doesn’t do well in crowds. She never has….as she sat on the floor next to me playing with her Birthday Barbies, I realized that one on one, she’s good. As a digression, I had to laugh, because last week’s Guardian, the one she picked out, had made its way into her Barbie backpack, and she pulled Wonder Woman out she said, “Who put this in here?”….Indeed Wonder Woman was not welcome into the Barbie Group…I wonder if Duchess will ever see the irony in that? Well, she was short on patience, long on attitude. Duchess, had Extro’d all she could for the weekend. This mommy, also an Introvert, understood. For even though we had The Force with us, there was no battery charging stations. The pageant is okay for the short-term….1 day….2 at the most, but 3 days, and you’re looking at a powerful storm of Toddler Meltdowns AND I can’t mad at her, I was feeling the same way. It’s FREAKING EXHAUSTING….so while my precious angel baby, freshly turned 4, was sitting on the floor, I had to make a vow, a covenant with her that in its simplicity stated, ‘Never again’….well, at least until she’s older…I mean come on, she took the whole cookie….The girl’s got GAME.

I made a conscious decision a long time ago not to dress Duchess up “Pageant Style”, believing her beauty and personality (she got BIG personality) enough to carry her through….I’ve made my point…TWICE. Her hair? Not professional….Her Face? Au Natural…..Her Smile? Devious…the following is an excerpt of the official rules:

Can my daughter wear makeup?

We are a natural to soft glitz system. If you want to wear gloss, blush, or mascara that’s fine. Just keep it age appropriate and not overdone. The older the child, the more it is acceptable. We don’t want to see babies with any makeup on. Teens are free to do their makeup as they would any other day.

AND…that rule….like the Pepsi I bring in to class every day….is IGNORED. Why have the rule, and a hair and make-up stand outside the ball room? Now, I ain’t mad at them, but there were so many Jon Benet Ramsey look alike(s) at that pageant, I thought for a second we were being punked in a Toddler and Tiara nightmare. These little girls are going to grow up with massive self-image issues…I mean, that’s the nature of the female beast, why add to the mayhem now? Do you KNOW I had to fight Duchess to get her hair pulled up? If you saw her at all this weekend, she was either beating the hell out of her brother, or ripping the carefully placed glitter and bows out of her hair. Finally, in a stage of complete defeat, I let her go up on stage and just do her….Did I mention she won?

We are in troubling times, but it should make you feel a little better to know that when the time is deemed right, this Duchess, the “Tomboy of the Pageant Circuit” will lead you, to higher ground. She has Will, Strength (try fighting her), Cunning, and a smile that you’d be very foolish to fall for… My Duchess, took home, America’s Best Supreme Crown, and she did it, with nothing but personality. Little Sisters take heed, for when the Deceiver comes and has you truly believing that without “adornment” you are nothing, just look to The Duchess, put some mud on your face, take the fake bows out of your hair, and DANCE….because you are beautiful just the way you are. A perfect Creator, creates nothing flawed, and in you, there is, no flaw. I don’t judge you….I just want freedom for you…..Gotta go. I NEED a shower. While I may go for it again someday, Merrill is THROUGH. LOL, #girlpower is not for the weak…right? I’ll keep him relegated to the baseball, football, Karate of things in life…..but he can do hair., he does hair WELL…that’s what makes him so sexy. BTW, #toddlerdads are adorable…..Stay tuned for tomorrow status, “Another 3rd degree in the world, and he’s just like his father”….can’t wait. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. Be KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, I did make a new friend. She kinda cool….Be Blessed.

 

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King Of Pain

It Hurts....
It Hurts….

“I’m so….so….so….very, very sorry”. Ronnie to a mommy she doesn’t even know.

Whenever we watch AFV and some poor smoo takes a groin shot, Merrill and little Merrill will close their legs, in wincing motion, because they feel what the idiot on the video feels. So I have kids. Merrill and Sweetness have groins….my babies are the world to me….if you’re breathing right now, you are someone’s child….you are the Alpha, and Omega…in someone’s world. There’s a little black spot on the town today…..King of Pain……I can’t even imagine.

We saw it with Chance Strong, we saw it with Devon, I’ve written about other mommies in the area, heaven gained someone’s yesterday, and if we’re not really sad, we’re angry that another woman has to be put through so much PAIN. I mean, that’s not fair….that’s not right….but all we can do is sit, and hold imaginary hands with each other, and send each other hugs…pisses me off….because I HURT for her…MOTHERHOOD….is universal. It’s the inverse of AFV because there’s nothing funny about the pain here…..Sigh. I wish we could cheat the system, and take her pain in equal amounts….until she’s strong enough….to go on…

So here we sit, broken hearted, that our community has lost a baby…..I’m so sorry. I’m told that in His sorrow, we can find our hope. We don’t see it now, but Christ tells us that when we are united, He’s in it…right there….protecting us from a greater evil….and honestly, in this community, if we can reach out with our hearts and touch a mother, shoot…we could run this MUTHUR….We could end the hate, the rhetoric, the abuse, we could essentially make my columns irrelevant, and I could go back to just being obnoxious….if we could just unite our hearts and spirits to get a mommy through her darkest hour…..then DAMN we could be known as “Danville…the city that comes together…..we’re NOT the ones! “…no more drugs, shootings, hate, racism….Ahhh the Glory of that thought…..but for now, we sit and pray, and sit and pray, because that’s what He told us to do…..we don’t have to understand it….we just have to do it. I Feel It Too…King of Pain….I cannot fathom the loss, but I can visualize the hope…If you’re reading this, please say a prayer for the broken soul of a fellow mother…..I am so sorry….My City will keep you up…while you lie down, and rest. Amen. Be Blessed.

Remember you set The Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Thursday.

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This Too Shall Pass

The Kids of Veronica Philips
The Kids of Veronica Philips

“Look at him, all peaceful. Sleeping like a husband. I HATE him”. Ronnie on one of the many occasions she got up with the babies during the night.

I bragged in Social Psychology that if there was a mistake to be made in life I made it. It’s not braggart, and it isn’t meant to glorify anything I’ve done…it just IS. My resume/experience includes: The pregnant 18 yr old, the 10 month morning sickness, giving birth in a foreign country, the colic, the sleepless nights, crying with the baby whose stomach hurt, the single mother, 1st husband, partied too much, fell in love, married a 2nd time, moved across country for love, had the power, water, heat cut off…bounced checks, was arrested (Twice),  had surgical emergencies with not one, but two babies, went back to school, had a 2nd baby when the first was a senior in high school, suffered from PPD after said baby, was terminated from her job because of PPD, had a 3rd baby at 42, had a baby almost die, became a writer, started a blog, gained fans, made mistakes….earned an Associates Degree….Yep, I’ve done it….so when I tell a Little Sister, “This too shall pass”…I know what I’m talking about….do you?

My newest book project…I’m so excited…..”This Too Shall Pass”  Are you far enough up the road, that you can look back and help a little brother or sister whose struggling? Was there something about your experiences that you could share with the entire world? We are seeking parents of children whom are now older, but had some difficulty as babies….Ages Infant thru 5…. If your story is chosen to be included in the book, you will receive compensation and writers credit. The best part, you don’t have to be an experienced writer…you just had to have had an experience that you overcame….So…

This Too Shall Pass….Can you share your nefarious mess with me? If the book goes NY Times Best Seller (A girl can dream), everyone in the world will know whom you are…..and what you overcame….of course, you can remain anonymous…but I need your name to confirm authorship. So, I need your children and your story for this amazing project that I’m totally excited about. Just be you, I’ll fix your comma’s, sentences, and periods…..lets work together to be the the Light that helps a young parent get through the night. Send me a PM on FB, or DM on Twitter for more information….This Too Shall Pass…..it does….and it will. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. Be KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those whom cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday.

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I’m Judging Us

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As I look out my north facing bay window, I see the dark ominous clouds of terror as they threaten to take my house and move it to Kansas. I’m hoping we can flip the scrip a bit, and instead of Kansas; which is a great state (eye roll), take my house to Texas…..Dallas Texas….No, I have no idea why Texas, which is ironic given that they have more F5 per capita than I have bags. I digressed. The day is dark like my mood, and I’m given to being an ass when the weather and my mood are like this….I’d ask for prayers, except, I’m not sure, we understand what that means anymore. I’m Judging Us….leave now…or forever shut your mouth.

Merrill’s out-of-town. I’m tired of him being out-of-town. I’m stuck between hating it, and nothing I can do about it, and it’s starting to eat away at whatever capacity I have left to give a gosh damn. I’m just being honest. This isn’t dirty laundry, this is me showing you how I am going to deal with my cherished relationship when maggots of resentment set in. Prayer is like that too. It’s tedious right? All these rules about how to act, the words to use, the position of our bodies….The Bible gives us infinite wisdom in when to pray, few examples of how to pray. We want to do it right, so we can get all we asked for…..We see the prophets, sitting outside in the heat of the day, their faces contorted, ashes all on their head, admonishing the people to repent….We look at our prophets like they’re crazy too…”Ain’t got time for that”, or my personal favorite, “God knows my heart”, so we opt for the shorthand version and simple mutter, “Prayers” said in the same tone as “Ta ta”, as we move on to the next status….LISTEN…I get it….I do it too…..there are times when a simple, “Daddy Please” is sufficient…but prayer is a conversation….He misses you….

So this is me, foul mood, potty mouth, attitude. Hell, you’re lucky I went back and edited all the Deadpool comments because the 1st edit had me talking like a sailor…..pisses me off the way the weather, and current events can effect me, but then again, I’m an Empath…..I take the energy surrounding me, and I recycle it into a foul mouthed Christian worldview, but I’m allowed bad days too..the trick is not to wallow in it, like a HYPO of disgust. I read that a two-year old boy was dragged from his parents, by an alligator at Disney World…I have a toddler….I just can’t…..Some of the comments were, “Darwism at it’s finest”…..WTH is that?! It was a freaking TODDLER…But, then again, I see a whole nightclub of HUMANS…(not gays, not lesbians, not transgender)….fellow HUMANS were murdered… instead of getting on our knees and sending the families a piece of our soul….we want to protect our rights. People don’t see that in our love for each other, our rights are assured! In prayer, He knows what you want, He knows what you need, He created prayer for YOU….not Him. It’s a gift…and like the proverbial horse, we take it for granted. Well, what do you expect? We’ve chosen Glutton and Wrath, two big deadlies, as our potential leaders. I don’t pray like I should either, it is the one weakness in my Faith (language too, but shut it), so take this from a failure to lead, to a failure to follow perspective….. I’m Judging Us……So what to do about Merrill? Well, I’d like to say “I’ll pray about it”, but we all know it’s just going to be, “Daddy, please do things my way. Amen”. We tried my way, and it doesn’t work. Why don’t we try God’s way…just this one time? Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Wednesday.

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Back To Life

I'll miss her...sigh.
I’ll miss her…sigh.

Mother’s Day Weekend came a weekend early for me. It’s sad because as Merrill heads over to Indy this morning, he will be delivering Princess back to life, as he jumps a jet plane to Albany. Sigh, after a perfect weekend with my whole family, I feel let down. Of course, it’s just the #momlife and while he did everything he could to give me an amazing weekend, I don’t feel selfish for admitting, I don’t want it to end.

Raise your children well, or almost well, and they’ll have an amazing relationship with you…maybe. I don’t judge, I realize a lot of luck and mercy went into the raising of my baby. The conveyor belt of babies passed through my mind this weekend, starting with my Princess whose all grown up and beautiful, and ending 22 years later with my Duchess, who ends the slide show. The belt starts in 1989 with colic…The up’s and downs with tummy aches, burpings…nervousness… then Sweetness in 2006….the PPD,..the nervousness (I see a pattern)…..then Duchess in 2012, and I’m an old hat by now, I’m not nervous anymore..I’m terrified (LOL)……I’m sadly empty as they all awaken to greet their week with Princess and Duchess saying the same thing as they awaken, “Good morning Mommy”…mommy tear…excuse me……NO! They don’t teach this…in #momschool….

Don’t feel too sorry for me, I have a full case load today, as well as class tonight, and two rambunctious children who’ll keep me busy long after The Big Bang Theory ends at 10p, but this weekend, my Mother’s Day Weekend, was perfect…it was everything the mother of a baby who no longer lives at home desires. Sigh….He’ll be home Wednesday and life will be back to normal. As an Empath, it’s hard to adjust to change. I’ll get over this, but I want to thank him for giving me a perfect weekend. I have a man who loves me, a grown daughter whom I get along with, and two beautiful birdies at home…what else…could a mother possibly want? Well, that they all live on the same property with me…I mean, it doesn’t have to be here, but next door would be nice…Back to Life…It’s not always as cool as the song makes it sound. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Monday….Travel mercies for my family….

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Hate Bait

Really?
Really?

My sewage tank needs to be flushed, but I’d rather do that, than go back through the cesspool that was FB yesterday. See, I had to leave last night…just one too many non-reading, ignorant post sharings……I know that’s judgmental, and I’m okay with that, because as the majority of respondents showed me yesterday, it’s okay to judge….Ya know, I’m glad we’re back to that…keeping my mouth shut….was hard. Here’s a joke I made up after wading through the sewage yesterday, “Knock Knock?” Nope…I’m not responding….Hate Bait…I’m just going to scroll on by.

This freaking Gorilla story got more ass than my high school boyfriend. Here we have the…THE Vietnam War memorial DEFACED by punk ass idiots, and a freaking Gorilla took top honors. I’m not mad at ya for being upset over the loss of life, after all, I too regret the necessary actions…what does enrage me are the ones not reading the sh*t they shared. A little sister shared a status from a man believing the endangered species more valuable than a 4yr old boy…when I pointed out that his life was also in that “not as important” lottery, therefore, his opinion was “not as important” it didn’t end well…”Sis” I began,”Have you read the propaganda on the page you shared?” “NO” she responded….. Fameousity Leadership 101…read what you share….but then again….

The VIOLATED War Memorial stands as a testimony that we can be as ignorant as we want to be, and after yesterday’s melee on Facebook, I see that some enjoy heartily that right. Why can’t we leave that poor mother alone? We weren’t there….do any of you have a 4yr old? Did that 4yr old ever do something nefarious? If your 4yr old never did anything nefarious, call me…I’d like to know how you got to be the June Cleaver of the toddler world…..Why can’t we rise up against the assholes whom defaced the memorial? Why can’t I just scroll on by…when I see I’m tempted? Because Hate Bait…is quickly surpassing LOVE as what unites us. I am not going to click on any mess today….Repeat after me, “I promise to love and honor my neighbor today, even through they ask my opinion, even though they disagree with my stance (vice versa), I will LOVE….even if it KILLS ME”. BUT I LOVE A GOOD FIGHT….sigh…this NOT being a role model thing is tough….Gotta go. My final day off, and a house needs to be cleaned. Those poor vets died…so we could argue about Gorilla’s….I do appreciate the sacrifice. #smh. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show Grace and Mercy to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete (Don’t Judge Me, couldn’t help myself), have a great Beautiful Saturday.

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The Curse

My Caretaker
My Caretaker

I realized, “The Curse” had come true this morning, when I looked over to hubby and responded to his smartass comment with, (Christian friends, EAR MUFFS), “Touche MF”. The constant, chronic pain has made me a real-life female dog, so forgive me. I’m usually a little more reserved than this.

“I hope someone as bossy, and relentless as YOU takes care of you one day”. Sigh, I’ve had more than one client curse me with that. I get it, they don’t hate me, they hate what represent. Whether it’s bathing, feeding, dressing, or meds, some just want to be left alone, but I can’t do that….. I mean, my entire business model is built upon the foundation of dignity, a balance between safety and independence….a balance often considered an oxymoron. When the curse is spoken upon me, it’s because I’m asking them to do something that takes some autonomy from their life. Usually, I just smile and say, “Yes, I’m sure that’s coming”. Perhaps I should have been MORE sympathetic…..I ponder my flippancy in hindsight.

I can handle a man doing the dishes, folding the clothes, sweeping the floors, but washing my butt? Well I got that part, thank you very much. Taking a shower is a lot like prepping a family, with a toddler, to go out to dinner………Dressing me? FORGETABOUTIT…..We wear whatever fits over the cast….my shoes have holes (reminds me I need a pedicure), and frankly, I’ve worn the same bra for 5 days in a row….#itdoesnthaveaclip…..but humiliation, my lack of independence… comes in the knowledge that without him, I can’t do anything…..I NEED him…to bathe, to dress, wash my butt, shave my sweaty armpits, to drive, to live…. and like them, that makes me curse…..Touche MF….I do respect him though….If anyone can match me, that is be, “someone as bossy as you” it’s him…..he is the perfect match to my Strong-Willed personality. I begrudgingly thank you, Jesus. Gotta go…He’s dressing me….maybe I can offer chocolate milk, then rescind it… tell him NO….my hand hurts….Pshaw, make me dependent on you……….I’ll show him. PS- Calm down..I heart him….

 

 

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Broken Left Hand

Really?
Really?

Top Ten things you CAN’T do with a broken left hand.

  1. Type any word with: A,E,R,S,T,W. It’s Wheel of Fortune for the pissed-off.
  2. Rip the toilet paper off the roll. Go ahead, try it.
  3. The obvious act of fastening your pants. “No lady, I am not bringing track pants back, I’m trying to survive”.
  4. Twist lids off cups. This is a very big deal with a Toddler Duchess, and a hubby that drinks coffee all day from a thermos like cup. From now on, I’m throwing away all cups with lids not taken off…..no…just all cups. Face, there’s your nose.
  5. Scratch the right side of your body….Grrrr……my armpit still itches.
  6. Take out the trash. Hey, it is what it is.
  7. Feed the cats in a timely manner. This is a big deal. They’re only patient for so long, then they start eating your face….
  8. Deodorized your right armpit….just saying..
  9. Shave your right armpit hair….that may be why it itches….Hmmm
  10. one word: FLOSS……UGH….

Merrill’s doing his best….but seriously….can someone PLEASE scratch my armpit?

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