Back When I Was Happy


Mmm, love me some Mexican food“….Ronnie eating dinner last night. I only enjoyed one tortilla….lest the Oompa Loompa gas came back.


So, if there’s any ONE person unaware of my adventure last week, please raise your hand, and leave the room. Seriously, I don’t want ya. Being a total baby about the whole thing (Merrill’s words not mine, but then again, when your litmus test is seen through the eyes of a “man” who suffered a Sudden Cardiac Death incident, anyone incident would be slightly wussified), I’ve written about my experience without my “Utey”. My God the horror. The total, complete cluster Eff known as a Hysterectomy is no fate I’d wish on my enemy, and as I was crying to my Publicist (I thought she was an angel. Hydrocodone is a powerful drug), I bemoaned that I just wanted to be whole again. You Outta Know….there are some things they don’t tell you in that little one page, pamphlet literature. But how can they, when you’re simply Chattel being led to auction….some things are going to be missed in the discharge instructions. Here’s what you should consider about having your reproductive organ ripped out.

  1. The Gas…..I’ve had a few abdominal surgeries (appendectomy, c-sections, bilateral Salpingo-oophorectomy), and in each one, they don’t tell you about “The Gas”. The horrible inert matter that they pump inside your cavity, that can take days, maybe even weeks, to dissipate. “Just walk” they’ll tell you so that your tissues can absorb the Co2, but you can’t walk, you’re a freaking Oompa Loompa with an attitude problem, and the last thing you want, after a hysterectomy is to look and feel pregnant, because frankly, that’s rude…cause you know….you can’t get pregnant again….EVER. I hate the gas, I abhore the GAS….Eff the Gas.

2. The BM’s…..You just don’t get how important that waste function is, until you can’t get wasted. Just think, you’re bloated, you’re angry, you’re an Oompa Loompa, and you can’t poop. I have a theory…RN’s should only be RN’s in field in which they have experience. For Example, Labor and Delivery should only have RN’s that have given birth. When the RN from the MD’s office calls you for your follow-up, “How ya doing?” 5 minute counseling session, she should be educated on the causes and effects of “Strong Laxatives”….because “Strong Laxatives” should not be willy-nilly recommended…..especially when you’re suffering from The Gas…..and while all’s well that ends well, the best advice I can give you is to start small….don’t take a colon prep med, for a slightly impacted bowel….


3.  Men, your wife is going to be swollen, with many bruises and dinks in her “armor” because her greatest reproductive organ has been brutally ripped, or lasered (Merrill) from her. She’s going to be vulnerable, and hysterical. The last thing you want to do, is poke her with a stick, then say to her, “Come on fatty. Get in the car“…This is the woman who gave you your babies, she’s seen you cry, she’s held you when you were frustrated, she seen you in all your naked glory, and she’s changed the sheets after you peed the bed, but she can also take you in a fair fight. She WILL be back….and when she does…your ass is going to be grass, with her running the mower. Apologize….apologize now….sex isn’t off the table forever.


4. Finally, it’s okay to give yourself some time to just take it easy. About day 4 or so, you’ll feel better, but you won’t be quite there…..Yes, I know the floors are dirty, the laundry is in only two piles (BLACK AND WHITE), and frankly, I know the cat is teaching himself to use the toilet because no one has cleaned his box for days, but you must let it go. The body is showing you some trickery. Besides, your husband craves instructions….he wants you to tell him, in excruciating detail, how to do the laundry, how to sweep the floors….how to take care of the kids. So just start shouting instructions from the couch, he’ll appreciate the effort, and your relationship will be much stronger for your attempt to help him do your job.


You Outta Know….ya know, given the choice to do this over again, I wouldn’t….I couldn’t….this is worse than that time I vomited up Mad Dog 20/20 after a night of eating Thai food. Yeah, I’ll never do that again. Gotta go. Hubby is feeling bored with not teasing me all week, and the laundry, (the colors and in-between colors), are really starting to smell…I need to go offer assistance. Poor hubby…..he at least tried; which is more than I can say for the RN who followed-up…the least she could have done was pretend to know what the hell she was talking about….now when can I have sex again? SMH. Be Blessed.

Remember you set the Tone, you ARE the Example. BE KIND to each other. Show GRACE and MERCY to all those who cross your path today. With your Daily Affirmations complete, enjoy your Sunday.



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